I recapped this show from season 4 to season 11, and then it got to a point where I was too busy sticking thumbtacks under my fingernails to recap anymore, so please bear with me if I’m a little rusty now. I don’t have high hopes for this season, simply because the last two were so god awful. The show got too long, every episode was a 2-hour spectacle, Jimmy Lovine was useless and unbearable, the contestant were boring, and the results were fixed to what the judges/producers want, not what the viewers want. But I’m devoted to sticking to it this year, no matter the heartache. After all, Seacrest and I are pretty much common law married. I have to do this for him, for US; and I also have to do it so I don’t get shunned around the ProFan office.

So, since we last left off, some big changes have been made. Randy Jackson is gone, at least from the judging panel; I’m not sure how I feel about this. Who’s gonna dress up like a Hogwart’s schoolgirl now? I suppose Urban could, but I don’t think it’s his style. And I suppose J-Lo’s gonna have to be the one to say stupid shit. It can’t be Connick. We all know he’s here to look and be magnificent, and nothing less. I’m looking forward to seeing how well these three work together, so let’s get on with it! I’m not actually going to type out four hours of nonsense and try to learn the names of a ton of people we’ll never see again, so I’m just going to sum up audition days one and two.

Auditions this week are in Boston and Austin, with a total of 79 contestants going to Hollywood. So far, the memorable auditions are a guy that Harry cradled like a baby during his audition; a kid excited to go to Hollywood, so he can get away from his stage mom; season 1′s Nikki McKibbon’s son (which make me feel old as hell); a rocker chick I’m excited to hear more from; and the first of my new future husbands: a young chap by the name of Keith London, who sings as acoustic version of Katy Perry’s “Roar”. I think I love him already.

Everyone else is mostly good but pretty nondescript. It seems they’ve moved away from the whole “bad audition for amusement” thing, and without that, everything else just sort of blends together. There was only one really purposely bad guy, and Harry shut that shit down quickly. Auditions aren’t quite as fun when there aren’t a bunch of weirdos flipping their shit, but I like seeing him lay down the law.

All the judges get along fantastically, and I love it. Harry Connick, Jr. brings a terrific sense of humor that’s a huge breath of fresh air, and it’s refreshing not to have the male judges drooling all over the under-aged girls. When a girl walked in half-naked, Harry joked that he almost wore the same outfit; Steven Tyler would have joked about getting a BJ from her later, and Simon would have said yes, regardless of how well she sang. They’re actually basing their decisions on talent and not how short the contestant’s skirts are. It’s almost like they’re been neutered. I approve.

And then of course Seacrest and I stand face-to-face many time, like we haven’t in quite a while. My god, he’s grown into a man. He’s one of those guys-like David Boreanaz and John Stamos-who just gets better looking with age. Fine wines, indeed.

So, overall, there was some impressive talent, even if I can only remember one person’s name. I’m looking forward to seeing what else this season brings us. See ya next week!

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