Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘Two Swords’

Ramsay Snow

Ramsay, Miranda, and Reek are hunting a servant girl through the woods. Well, Ramsay and Miranda are hunting, Reek is just hobbling along, trying to keep up. The girl’s offense? Making Miranda jealous by her presence. Miranda takes her down with an arrow to the knee. Okay, it was through the thigh, but taking an arrow to the knee is funnier. Ramsay commands his dogs to attack and kill the poor girl. Meanwhile, Reek twitches like a crackhead.

Roose Bolton returns to the Dreadfort with his wife Fat Walda Frey. Roose wants to see Theon.

Roose is more than a little pissed that Ramsay has flayed and tortured Theon. He could have used the Greyjoy heir as a bargaining tool to get Moat Cailan, currently occupied by the Iron Born. Roose was given the North by Tywin Lannister, but not any assistance in taking it. Ramsay demonstrates the power he has over Theon by instructing him to shave Ramsay with a straight razor. While he’s being shaved, he gets Theon to admit that he didn’t kill the Stark boys and that they’re probably headed to The Wall to be helped by Jon Snow. Also, he tells him that Roose killed Robb Stark. The fact that Theon doesn’t even attempt to cut his throat shows that he’s been broken. Yup. It got all Color Purple up in there.

Roose sends Locke after the Stark boys and he sends Ramsay to take Moat Cailin.

Jaime Lannister

Jaime and Tyrion are dining and Tyrion remarks on Jaime’s new hand: gilded steel. Tyrion wants to toast to the Lannister siblings: “The Dwarf, The Cripple, and the Mother of Madness” Jaime spills some wine and laments the loss of his hand and what it means for him as a fighter. Tyrion tells him he’s the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. He can command others to fight.

When that doesn’t work, Tyrion suggests he train with someone. Since Jaime doesn’t want word to get out that he needs training, Tyrion offers up Bronn as a sparing partner. We all know Bronn’s silence can be bought.

Jaime trains with Bronn in a quiet place by the sea where no one will see or hear them.

Joffrey Baratheon/Tyrion Lannister

Varys warns Theon that Cersei knows about Shae and has already told Tywin. Varys refuses to lie for Tyrion because if the Lannisters find out Varys knew and lied, he’d be dead. Shae needs to leave, but Tyrion tells him that he has tried to get her to leave but she won’t.

At a special dinner, Cersei points out Shae to Tywin and he instructs Cersei to have Shae brought to the Tower of the Hand before the wedding. Margeary’s father, Mace Tyrell, presents Joffrey with a cup, Tyrion gives him a book about four kings, and Tywin gives him the other Valyrian steel sword, which Joffrey promptly uses to slice up the book Tyrion gave him. Joffrey ain’t about that book-reading life.

Later, Tywin cruelly breaks up with Shae and has Bronn escort her to a ship so she can start a new lie in Pentos.

Stannis Baratheon

Melisandre is burning non-believers on the beach, including Stannis’ brother-in-law. Davos tries to point out that his brother-in-law supplied him with men and ships, but Stannis brushes that off. He asked his in law to burn his religious idol and he refused. So, burned at the stake it is.

Over dinner, Lady Selyse reminisces about the time Stannis shot and grilled two seagulls. Seems the food at Dragonstone kinda sucks. Selyse mentions Shireen and how she needs the rod. Stannis tells her she better not whip his baby girl. Selyse settles for Melisandre going to speak to Shireen instead. Melisandre talks to Shireen about how her 7 Gods religion is all wrong. There are two gods: one of light, love, and joy and one of darkness. There’s only one hell, the one they’re living in now.

Bran Stark

Bran has warged into his direwolf Summer and is awakened just as Summer killed a deer. He’s been out for hours. Jojen and Meera warn him about being into his animal for so long. He’d forget everything about his life. “If we lose you, we lose everything.”

Later, they’re walking through the woods when they notice Summer by a weirwood tree. Bran touches the tree and has visions that include: the snow filled Throne Room from Dany’s vision, when he was thrown from the tower, the 3-eyed crow flying through the tombs under Winterfell, Ned, and a big-ass dragon flying over Kings Landing. A voice tells him, “Look for me.” When the vision is over, Bran says he knows where they need to go.

The Purple Wedding

Joffrey marries Margaery and when Sansa remarks, “We have a new queen,” Tyrion replies, “Better her than you.” Let the church say amen!

Lady Olenna speaks with Tywin about the extravagance of the wedding. He says that people who spend so much money on such things, don’t tend to have that money for long. She dismisses Mace when he tries to join the conversation and then warns Tywin about the money owed to the Iron Bank of Braavos. Tywin doesn’t seem worried.

Bronn tells Tyrion that Shae boarded the ship and the only people who know are him, Tyrion, and Varys.

Oberyn and Ellaria greet Tyrion and they’re distracted by a contortionist, as is Podrick.

Lady Olenna pays her condolences to Sansa and then invites her to visit Highgarden.

As a band performs The Rains of Castamere, Joffrey gets bored and throws coins at them, putting a stop to that. Margaery tells him it’s time to make the announcement. She tells their guests that all of the leftover food will be given to the poor in Kings Landing. Cersei gives Margaery a phony-ass kiss.

Ser Loras and Oberyn Martell exchange flirtatious looks from across the courtyard as Ellaria feeds Oberyn and he sucks her finger. I damn near passed out. Ser Loras bumps into Jaime who warns him that Cersei will murder him in his sleep if they marry and she’d murder their baby if he manages to put one in her belly. However, that doesn’t matter because Ser Loras is never going to marry Cersei. “And neither will you,” Loras shoots back. BURN!

Brienne pays her respects to the new couple and Cersei shames her for bowing. Margeary corrects Joffrey when he says that Brienne killed Renly. Cersei then corners Brienne and remarks how Brienne served Renly, then Catelyn, and now Jaime. Brienne says she doesn’t serve Jaime. “But you love him.” Oh, Cersei. Jaime witnesses this exchange.

Cersei stops Maester Pycelle from hitting on a young girl and then she instructs him to tell the kitchen that all of the leftovers will be sent to the kennel. He tries to argue that the queen said otherwise, but Cersei says she’s the queen and he’ll do it.

Ser Dontos is doing his fool’s duty and Joffrey tells the crowd whoever knocks off Ser Dontos’ hat will get a gold dragon.

Cersei and Tywin meet Oberyn and Ellaria Sand. Cersei remarks on the last name Sand, clearly making a dig that Ellaria is a bastard. Oberyn points out that they don’t treat bastards with disdain in Dorne. Oberyn notes that Cersei no longer has the “responsibility” of being the queen. They discuss Doran Martell’s gout and how it rendered him unable to attend the wedding. When they talk about the other differences between Dorne and the capital, Oberyn says that where he’s from, it’s considered distasteful to rape and murder children. Good thing Myrcella, Cersei’s daughter, was sent to such a place. Awww, shit. I love Oberyn.

Joffrey announces that it’s time for the guests to contemplate their history and he ushers in five dwarfs acting out The War of the Five Kings. When crude jokes are made about Renly being gay, Loras leaves the table and Margeary looks unamused. They act out Robb Stark’s murder and Tyrion orders Podrick to make sure the dwarves are paid 20 gold pieces and places his hand on Sansa’s. Joffrey laughs like a little bitch. The only other person amused is Cersei. Everyone else looks appropriately disgusted.

Joffrey then taunts Tyrion to take on the dwarf that is supposed to be him and Tyrion slyly refuses, managing to imply that Joffrey is a virgin. Joffrey pours his wine on Tyrion’s head. Margeary calls Joffrey over, saying it’s time for her father’s toast. He wants Tyrion to be his cup bearer, which Tyrion says will be a great honor. “It not meant to be an honor.”

When Tyrion reaches for Joffrey’s goblet, Joffrey drops it and it rolls under the table. He makes Tyrion retrieve it, and Sansa hands it to him. Tyrion fills it with wine and Joffrey demands that Tyrion kneel before him. Tyrion does not. Margeary saves the day again by announcing the arrival of a ridiculous pie. Joffrey slices into it, releasing birds, but also killing a few. Sansa wants to leave, but as she and Tyrion prepare to, Joffrey insists that Tyrion stays to serve him his wine, which he does.

Joffrey begins to choke and in the commotion, Ser Dontos approaches Sansa and tells her to come with him if she wants to live. Cersei and Jaime rush to Joffrey’s aide and before Joffrey dies in her Cersei’s arms, he points towards Tyrion who is picking up the dropped goblet.

Cersei orders for the guards to take Tyrion because he killed the king.