Previously on The Returned, ‘Claire’

Things are getting way more bananas than I ever expected on this show. I don’t even know where to begin, so I’m going to start off with the headlining character.

Helen is… holy shit. I thought when this episode started that she was in the present day, and talking paranoid about how people are trying to take her stuff. But no, it’s a flashback, and she’s not paranoid… well, at least she’s not wrong about them trying to take her clothes. She’s being visited by her husband, who’s young and handsome, and we find out that she’s been put into a mental hospital after trying to blow up the Town Hall. We never get an explanation as to why she felt the need to do that, but there is the implication that she thinks everyone is wicked after some comments she makes while reading the paper. If nothing else, we know for sure she’s not sorry for it. Shortly after that, she is killed when the dam breaks.

Back in the present day, she’s just finishing fucking some dude who works at the dam. This guy thinks that for some reason a woman is just gonna show up wanting to bang him, with no ulterior motive whatsoever? Well, he learns pretty quick that he’s underestimated this lady, because Helen bashes him over the head and takes his keys. Is he dead? I sort of hope so because he seemed like a douche, plus this idiot has given Helen the tool to completely obliterate this city. Is this whole town going to be undead soon? How amazing would that be?

Since Helen is getting all worked up over that article about Henry, let’s talk about that fucking creep next. If Nikki is dead from that lame-ass fall down the stairs, I swear to god I’m gonna be so done. I mean c’mon, that was so… underwhelming. Considering how spectacular the other deaths have been (shooting/beating in your own head, being torn apart by your cat maybe, and as we found out later having your house burned down) this just seemed super half-assed on Victor’s part. I did, however, like the touch of having Julie come out and tell Nikki that she is to blame for what happened, and that she wants her gone. That was sad, and creepy.

Simon, what the fuck were you thinking?! At least he finally came to his senses, but WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? Kidnapping his true love’s daughter in order to… what? Try and bully Rowan into being with him? Start a new life with his kidnapped daughter? I don’t get what his goal was, but at least Rowan was able to get the license plate to the car so that Tommy could confront Peter about his meddling.

It has been kind of in the back of my mind that maybe Peter was undead, but that seemed like a really weird thing and I couldn’t really understand what that would contribute to the plot, so I just shelved it. This new development really explains why he’s been so helpful to the undead people he’s come across, and why he was so prepared to believe that Camille was really who she said she was. The fact that he’s only chosen to “out” himself because he’s defending Camille from the torch-and-pitchfort-carrying townspeople is kind of endearing, but it must be a real shock to Claire, who’s been sleeping with him for awhile. Yikes.

The question is, will this make a difference to anyone? Or will they just turn on Peter too?

Was Camille somehow aware that Peter was dead? Could she sense it? I can’t believe people are posting pictures of her watery grave on Facebook! It shouldn’t surprise me, because people do stupid shit all the time, but it’s hilarious that they’re saying she’s a witch and put a curse on that family. Like, it’s really not funny because people are just as superstitious now as they ever were, but the idea of a witch who waits four years to come back, for no apparent reason, is super amusing to me. What was she doing this whole time, just chilling in Hell until the time was right?

Oh, and we finally get Lucy! Except she says that she hasn’t had any of the weird voices in her head since she’s been with Jack. That’s weird, right? Is it because he’s somehow more connected to that world because his daughter is back? Or was she just lying to him? Whatever the case, Jack missed her and wants her back. It was kind of sweet that he was prepared to forgive her after how insane her con was, but I kind of get it.

Now here is my question. She tells Jack that Tony wasn’t the one who attacked her, and yet when she was questioned she says she doesn’t remember anything. She didn’t even remember why she was in the Murder Tunnel! So how the fuck can she know that; was it her fuckup because she’s been lying, or was it the writers forgetting that they’ve established that? OR maybe it was the voices telling her?

Next week is the finale episode and I’m really interested to see what Helen is gonna do with that dynamite. Please give me an undead town, show writers! Pretty please!

Saddest Moment: When Simon’s daughter tells her, “Mommy said fathers don’t leave, they’re always there.”

Funniest Moment: Guy at the dam starting to realize he’s fucked a crazy bitch. “Uh, so I have some stuff to do…help me find my keys and then I gotta go…” Yeah, nice try bro.

Scariest Moment: Helen telling her husband, “This is just the beginning. Terrible things are going to happen in this town.” Um, you mean like some batshit woman blowing up a dam?

Stupidest Moment: Simon. What.