Previously on True Blood, ‘Life Matters’ 

Welp, there it was, Truebies. The writers gave us all a proverbial “fuck you” and set Eric Northman ablaze. I mean, have they no feelings?! I bet they hate puppies and kittens too. Motherfuckers.

More on that fuckery in a minute. Last night’s season concluded with an episode titled ‘Radioactive.’ I think it’s safe to assume the title of the episode refers to all the vamps’ ability –albeit, short lived- to walk in the sun. When they lose the ability, you can see their skin emit some sort of “radioactive” glow. But, then again, what do I know? My world was turned upside down at the possible demise of my beloved Eric.

Anyvamp, let’s get our recap on….

We open with Sookie and Alcide still at Terry’s never-ending funeral. There’s a bunch of obvious flirting going on when Sookie invites Alcide to go on a walk with her. In their travels, they spot Bill and all the saved vamps as Casa de Billith, still high as fuck and because this is True Blood, all the vamps were getting naked and fucking on the well-manicured lawn.

Sookie spots Jason and tells Alcide to “stay” like a good wolf while she goes to find out where the hell her brother has been for two episodes. She runs over to her brother which pisses his owner, Violet, off. Jason convinces Violet that Sookie is his sister and she kisses her on the mouth.

Pam (who is obviously still high) and Tara run up to Sookie and hug her and Bill is seen looking out of the window longingly and super sad-faced.

Bill is down in the dumps because his Lillith powers are gone after he shared all that blood. He tells Jessica, “Sookie….this blood that’s allowing you to walk around in the daylight, came at a price.” He means Warlow, of course, and now being Bill again, he’s feeling a little bad about that. Jessica tells him to go save Sookie, because he once told her to protect his humanity. By, humanity, I mean, keep Bill from being a giant dick.

Sookie starts rethinking this whole Warlow-for-eternity thing and reluctantly heads back to the fairy realm where she finds Warlow making some weird ass maypole where they are going to entwine and be connected forever and ever, like she promised.

Sookie tells him things are moving a little too fast for her and that she thinks they should start out by dating. What’s the rush? Well, apparently there is one: Warlow has been waiting 5,500 years for “Danger Whore” Sookie and he ain’t waitin’ no more. For those of you who never bought into Warlow’s soulmate act with Sookie, bravo. You were right. He’s a fucking asshole. He gets pissed and tries some BDSM shit and ties her ass to that gaudy maypole after Sookie threatens to dispose of her one-time-use fairy light and sinks his teeth in to start to turn her.

Back at Casa de Bill, the vamps continue to celebrate their new day-walking ability with a mean game of volleyball. Pam can’t get into the spirit of it all, and tells Tara she’s going to go after Eric. And she flies away (since when can she do that shit?) just like Eric did last episode.

Bill and Jessica grab Jason from his volleyball game and tell him about the deal he made with Warlow giving him Sookie in exchange for saving vampire kind. Jason is pissed. They realize the only way they can get into the fairy world is by a fairy light and the only other halfling in Bon Temps is Andy’s daughter, Adeline, and they head to his house to plead their case. After a lot of back and forth with Andy, he reluctantly says yes and they’re off to save Sookie. Adeline, being two weeks old, doesn’t know how to use her light so Violet drops fang and screams in her face. Shit works and they all appear in the fairy realm in the nick of time and grab Sookie and teleport back to Sookie’s house. Bill and Warlow are fighting in fairy land and then they poof through the portal to Bon Temps. Warlow locks up Andy, Adeline, and Jason in the vampire basement room and Bill can’t come in because he’s no longer Billith and Sookie revoked his invite. Because, of course. Warlow taunts him and stomps through the house. He finds Sookie in the shower stall. He tells her she’ll learn to love him in a few thousand years, but she wants no parts of it. The spectral form of Grandpa Niall emerges from the bathroom portal and holds him back while Jason stakes the shit out of him. The veins of death appear and he crumbles. Grandpa Niall asks for help and they grab him and pull him out of the portal. Warlow’s a gooey pile blood on the floor. Just like we like him.

With Warlow gone we see Jessica and her new beau, James, Bill and Violet have a moment where it looks like they are “radioactive” and the scene switches to Eric who is sunbathing, nude, atop a snowy mountaintop in Sweden. Then the worst possible thing that could ever happen in this show took place. While that beautiful piece of man is enjoying a novel, minding his own goddamn business, he has his own radioactive moment and in a matter of seconds starts smoking and bursts into flames. Are you people getting the enormity of the situation here? This could be it for Eric and that means I am going to have to quit watching this show if he’s not in next season. Right after I make voodoo dolls for every single writer responsible for this bullshit. I’m fucking pissed. If Pam doesn’t save him or if this isn’t one of those weird ass dreams that Jason is having because Eric healed him….may God have mercy on their empty souls. Real fucking talk.

On the bright side, we all caught a glimpse of his penis.

We flash forward six months later, Lawrence O’Donnell tells us that the new virus Hepatitis-V continues to be a big problem, but the author William Compton has written a bestseller called “And God Bled.” Bill tells him that he used to be a god. MSNBC on True Blood is exactly like it is in real life, stupid. Sookie and Alcide are now a couple, as are Jason and Violet. There’s a bunch of oral sex going on but she still won’t allow penetration. He’s pleading with her. All she will say is “in due time” and “I’m sorry, baby” as she pushes his head back down. Boss bitch shit.

Sam is now the mayor, Arlene owns Merlotte’s. Bill and Sam team up and try to bring humans and vamps together to live in harmony. They organize a BBQ and Hep V tests for Bon Temps. They invite everyone to come eat grilled gator and do a meet-and-greet with healthy vamps. The idea is that healthy vamps need to feed, and humans need protection from Hep V vamps. They want everyone to have a monogamous, feeding relationship with a vamp. Something tells me that won’t end well next season. Bill runs into Sookie and Alcide and offers to be her protection. Male ego takes over and some words are exchanged between Alcide and Bill. Sookie declines his offer, but just as she does Bill and Alcide smell the Hep V vamps coming to crash the BBQ and we end with a shitload of infected vamps headed straight for them. Zombie-Vamp hybrids, anyone?

Next season should be interesting. Not only do I want to know the status of Eric and Pam but this thing with Tara and her crazy ass mother, too. Her mother asks to speak with Tara where she basically apologizes for being the worst mother in the world for Tara’s entire life. She tells Tara that there were days she forgot to even feed her. She offers up her blood to “nourish” Tara and be her feeding/protection partner. Tara sinks her teeth in, but I’d be willing to bet her mother was tested and found out that she is one of the Hep V carriers. That bitch is evil.

Till next season, Truebies!!!

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