Why You Don’t Want to See Captain America: Civil War

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Captain America: Civil War | Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr., Sebastian Stan, Scarlett Johansson, Anthony Mackie, Chadwick Boseman, Jeremy Renner, Paul Bettany, Don Cheadle, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Rudd, Emily VanCamp, Frank Grillo, Tom Holland, Daniel Brühl | Screenwriters: Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely | Directors: Anthony Russo & Joe Russo

I don’t know, friends. I just don’t know.
Marvel is simply trying too hard to be loved.

Sure, Captain America: The Winter Soldier is an okay film that was a near-perfect balance of action, humor and intrigue expertly crafted by the Russo Brothers. Maybe a few people believed that Phase Two installment was a watershed moment in the prolonged plan Kevin Feige laid out for Marvel Studios, I don’t know. Don’t be surprised if moviegoers say the same about Civil War… worse yet, they may claim that the third film in the Captain America series may be the greatest Marvel movie made so far! Where do these people get off??? I’m unsure what they saw but here are a few things that gave me concerns about this “blockbuster” film that inaugurates the 2016 summer season.

Reprising their screenwriting duties, Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely attempt to cobble together a reason why these heroes have to fight one another. It resulted in a fairly believable concept: after the Sokovia incident in Age of Ultron, the world wants to keep a tighter rein on superpowered beings so Tony Stark and General ‘Thunderbolt’ Ross (hey, they remembered William Hurt from The Incredible Hulk!) lead the charge to register all crimefighters. Steve Rogers takes offense to this because he doesn’t fight to have his or anyone’s civil liberties suppressed so there you go. Their opposing views eventually result in a split between the Avengers and brutal physical confrontations that result in a few of the heroes not standing in the end.

Although the idea of Avengers fighting one another in ridiculously flashy and breathtaking fight sequences may not interest you, without question the best thing about Civil War was the formal introduction of the Black Panther. After the team left a mighty big impression - and hundreds of millions in damages - in Wakanda in AoU, it’s understandable why the royal family is pissed at this independent ‘global defense’ force. If anyone leaves a noticeable impression during Civil War’s exhaustively intense, action-packed thrill ride it’s Chadwick Boseman as Prince T’Challa. One thing that can’t be denied is Marvel’s tendency to cast amazingly well. After a few minutes on the screen, there won’t be any doubts (if there ever were) about Boseman’s inclusion in the MCU. Like Robert Downey Jr’s rendition of Tony Stark way back in 2008, the Black Panther could give Marvel Studios the breath of fresh air it sorely needs. T’Challa’s presence is certainly felt in Civil War and will be prominent for all of Phase 3 and beyond.

Then there was this guy.

Really? MORE Spider-Man? Haven’t we had enough of this guy?! When Raimi had his hands on him, that was an exciting adaptation, to be sure. But after Marc Webb’s rendition we’ve had five Spidey films! Why does Marvel need to add him in the MCU then tease us incessantly with scene-stealing moments that showcase Peter Parker as the witty teenage badass we always wanted him to be? We’ll only be disappointed later. Sure, It was fun watching Spider-Man actually going toe-to-toe with Marvel’s heaviest hitters and actually dominating them at one point. But c’mon… Marvel’s Spidey film that will be released in 2017 surely won’t be as good as (or better than) his scenes in Civil War. Imagine that… a thoroughly satisfying two-hour flick of Spider-Man leaping and swinging around New York, taking on authentic renditions of his rogues in the same world as Cap, Iron Man, Hulk, Thor and others. Ridiculous.

Ultimately, Civil War attempts to shake up the MCU’s status quo yet again and leaves everyone in disarray. By the film’s end, audiences should be tired after all the emotional strife between Tony and Steve, amassing gobs of empathy for both Prince T’Challa and Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan), and raising the serious question of how the Avengers will recover from such a somber ordeal. Of course Markus and McFeeley want to make life a whole lot worse for the team just before THE Big Bad finally makes his grand entrance in the tentatively titled Infinity Wars! Audiences love to see their favorite heroes struggle and eventually surpass adversity but c’mon now, this is almost too much drama for us to process, Marvel!

Hopefully you’ve heeded my warning. Still, it’s difficult to pass up seeing such a gaudy tentpole monstrosity such as this movie. Most of you are adults and will do what you want. If you must watch Marvel’s “can’t miss” film one or three times over the weekend, Captain America: Civil War - produced by Marvel Studios and distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures - will be released in North America May 6. Prepare to be extremely disappointed! =P