5 Reasons I Won’t Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

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We all want to survive a zombie apocalypse. We all think we can. But people can’t always do what they want and if you’re honest with yourselves up front, you’d be setting yourselves up for a lot less disappointment. And a lot less unnecessary movement.

 

 

Asthma

I used to be quick. I used to be athletic. When I was a kid, whenever I played football with the boys, they’d make me the person who runs the ball because I was fast and could outrun all of them. But then I gots the ashtma. Not that you have to run fast to escape a zombie, but I can’t run very far without my lungs shutting that shit down. A few steps and they’re like, “Bitch, no.”

 

No Attention Span

Seriously. My most often used phrase (besides frequently shouting out, “Come for me, G’mork!”) is, “Wait, what was I doing?” My brain wanders so much and I’m so easily distracted that I can never remember what I’m doing or where I’m going.

 

 

No Follow Through

I could probably come up with a few great apocalypse plans. In fact, I have. And I’m not sharing them with you, so don’t ask. I always have great ideas, but my problem is follow through. I know myself. I’ll get all set up for this apocalypse plan and then I’ll get tired before it even starts and sit down and watch Law and Order: SVU reruns instead until they come eat my brains.

Lack of Cooperation

Surviving a war of any kind requires more than one person. Zombie slaying is a co-op endeavor. I know some people who make planning a group trip to the movies a complicated endeavor, so I don’t hold any hopes for them coming through reliably on something on this big of a scale. Also, the person who has the chainsaw will probably just show up late. And forget the chainsaw.

Lazy

I’m pretty lazy. There’s probably a 75% chance that I’ll look a zombie in his bloody eyeball and say, “You know what… It’s hot outside and I don’t want to stand up. Do what you gotta do.”