5 TV Deaths That Need to Happen

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You ever tune into a show hoping that a character will FINALLY die? Yeah, me too.

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Debra Morgan / Dexter

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I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I only put her on this list because she knows too much! SPOILER —- At the end of the last season of Dexter, his sister walked in just as he plunged a knife into Tom Hanks’ son’s chest. This season’s premiere is so highly anticipated, I can barely stand it. But, no, that is not why I included her. And it’s not because she has a filthy mouth. I actually like that about her. And it’s not because she’s so ridiculously insecure and continuously dates guys who are too old, too gross, or too murdery. And it’s not because she recently confessed to her therapist that she’s in love with her brother. But, ewwww, gross, right? No. It’s because she is shaped like a nine-year-old boy.

 

 Oh, and also, that bitch knows too much.

How It Should Happen: Deb will eat a meal. Unaccustomed to this, her body will go into shock and cardiac arrest.

 

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Sookie Stackhouse / True Blood

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Sookie Stackhouse suffers from Meredith Grey Syndrome (and trust me; she almost made this list, too), which means that even though she is the star of the show, everyone else on the program is infinitely more interesting. Seriously, when is the last time you tuned into Grey’s Anatomy to find out what Meredith was up to? That’s what I thought. The same applies to True Blood. No one cares what happens to Sookie and her fairy vagina. Well, unless she’s giving it up to Eric, no one cares. We tune in each week to watch Andy lovingly bumble his way through a case, to hear Lafayette say something funny about white people, to see Pam just be Pam, and we hope Alcide takes his shirt off. Sookie is useless, she’s an awful friend, and I’m glad they finally revealed that her fairy blood makes her vampire catnip because there was no other way to explain Bill and Eric’s fascination with her.

How It Should Happen: Next season, after narrowly escaping being killed by Warlow, and after annoying the world with her bad acting for 12 episodes, in the season six finale Sookie will have to sacrifice herself to save her friends. You know, the friends she has constantly put in danger, lied to, mooched off of, and gotten killed/turned into a vampire for five seasons. To stop Warlow from going all vampire HAM on those she loves, Sookie will fake her death, but really go live with the fairies in their woodland burlesque club.

 

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Carl Grimes / The Walking Dead

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Carl is, hands down, the most neglected child on television. It doesn’t matter that brain (and guts, and face, and thigh…) eating zombies are roaming the Earth. His parents refuse to watch him. Everything is more important than keeping an eye on Carl. His mother has snuck off into the woods to have sex with her husband’s best friend. When his father was told that Carl had been carrying a gun, he decided it was better to go off and do anything BUT have a conversation with his son about safety. Then there was the time when he was shot while his father was standing right there. Of course, you may be thinking that it’s not his fault his parents are only slightly more responsible than two teenaged parents on meth. But Carl is like, ten! He should know better! Even if his parents are complete fucktards, which they are, he has seen enough shit go down to know that roaming off alone during the zombie apocalypse is an all-the-way-around bad idea. But noooo. Every time he is told to go in the house, and stay in the house, Carl is in the swamps, or in the barn, or in the woods, or in the fields, or anywhere else that isn’t called in the fucking house. For that, he gotta go.

Here’s How It Should Happen: Carl will be devoured by five zombies. Ironically, he will be in the house when it happens.

 

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Skyler White/ Breaking Bad

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Skyler is, hands down, the most annoying wife on television. (SPOILERS) —- After finding out her husband is a meth dealer, she not so reluctantly joined in his business, allowing him to buy a car wash in her name, and had no qualms with using their drug money to help out her sister and her disabled husband. Oh, and giving the rest of it to her lover. All the while making Walt feel guilty about all the danger he has put the family in. Sure, she has a point, but does she have to be so cunty about it? And for the record, I’ve wanted her to die since episode one when she gave Walt that dry, unenthusiastic handjob.

I’m not sure how this final season will end, but I sure hope it’s with Walt choking the shit out of her.

Here’s How It Should Happen: Walt should choke the shit out of her.

 

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Joffrey Baratheon / Game of Thrones

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I recently finished the book series that the TV show Game of Thrones is based on. One of the many talents of George R.R. Martin is his ability to make the most evil character feel human. Characters who have had sex with their brother then plotted their husband’s murder and who have sliced open innocent little boys, have managed to make me feel sympathy for them and what they’ve been through. I even feel bad for Theon. THEON! And he’s an untrustworthy little sea bitch!

But if there’s one character who has absolutely no redeeming qualities it’s Joffrey Baratheon. He is a Grade-A asshole. A douchebag of the highest order. An abomination of twincest who must, MUST die. And yes, since I’ve read the books I already know if it happens or not. If it does, I know when and how. Let’s just say, if doesn’t happen in the books, I’m hoping the show creators see fit to deviate from the source material. If it does, it can’t possibly happen soon - and painful - enough.

How It Should Happen: Joffrey should be assbanged to death by a direwolf.

 

 What’s the one TV character you want to see die? How should they eat it?