American Horror Story Coven - S3E5 - Burn, Witch. Burn!

We start tonight’s episode with a flashback to Madamme Delphine’s Halloween party of 1833. She invites her daughter’s prospective beau into her “Chamber of Horrors.” Say no, boy, say no! Delphine says terror on a handsome face makes her feel young again. And still, this strapping lad goes anyway. Delphine offers him a bowl of blood with freshly plucked eyeballs floating inside. Festive. Up next is a tray of intestine. Which causes the boy to flee. Mission accomplished: Delphine has effectively chased away the suitor. And my ability to ever eat sausage links again.

Her daughters start to plot how to kill off their darling mother when Delphine beckons them for dessert. And then orders the summoning of two strong slaves. Later the daughters are dragged from their beds, one of which has her leg broken so she can better be shoved in a cage. Another is hung by her arms, proclaiming that they were never going to do anything, it was just silly talk. Delphine says they’ll be locked up for a year and that as a special treat, she’s going to shove Borquita’s mouth full of shit. Oh, I’m sure that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Cuz this lady is cray-cray.

Back to the present and Delphine’s daughters (fresh from their graves) are pounding away at the door, along with the cast of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. I want to be scared, but I’m really just hoping the awakened dead folk just break into synchronized dance.

After commercial we’re with Fiona and Cordelia. Fiona is screaming for help while Cordelia is screaming in pain from the acid that’d been thrown on her face. Fiona sees the shrouded black figure leaving the restaurant and some girl in a Santa hat (what holiday is it, exactly?) is crying. At the hospital, a doctor tells Fiona that the acid burned through the optic nerve and they couldn’t save Cordelia’s eyesight. Fiona loses her shit and an orderly offers to call the cops, but the doctor declines.

Back at the house, Zoe thinks that turning off the lights and closing the windows will deter the lawn full of zombies. Neighbor boy thinks it’s all in good fun, just a prank. He’s cute, but slow - we can’t have it all. So being the strapping young hero he thinks he is, he marches outside to “handle it.” Some trick-or-treaters happen upon them and are awed and amazed by the make-up job and costumes. And only then does neighbor start to realize something just ain’t right.

Angela Bassett is floating and spinning in mid-air and with the whisper of a single word, the zombies brutally kill the trick-or-treaters. And then they turn on Luke (cute neighbor boy - who took like 17 minutes to react and then just took about 3 slow steps backward instead of running like the damn wind, so really, he kinda deserved it). But no synchronized dancing, to my dismay.

Zoe orders everyone upstairs and then sees that Nan has left the building. She’s somehow drug injured Luke clear across the yard and to a randomly parked (and unlocked) car. I get it that zombies are slow, but this is a tad far-fetched. They axed up those trick-or-treaters lickity split, but were pretty lackadaisical about neighbor boy and Nan. But neighbor boy has the Bible thumping mama and is probably a virgin and by the rules of horror movies is due to die pretty early, so I’m hoping his easy escape just means a more horrific death. Is that wrong?

Fiona is traipsing around the hospital and finds herself the “Medication Room.” I’m no hospital expert, but is this really what they’re called? Anyway, she gets inside and helps herself to some medicine, washing it down with her handy flask. Fiona knows how to party. She roams the halls and glimpses the shrouded black figure and then bumps into an old balding man in nothing but his not-so-tighty whities. I’m not sure why this man is practically naked and why nobody in this hospital seems to care. What kind of medical facility is this?

Fiona enters the room of a woman who’d just given birth to a stillborn baby girl. Fiona picks up the dead baby and forces the mother to hold her. She makes the mom talk to the baby and say nice things to it despite the mother’s protests. Fiona rubs the baby’s head and the baby starts to wiggle and cry, much to the mother’s delight. Where in the hell is the staff of this entire hospital that nobody notices any of this madness?

The zombies are bashing in the windows of the car that Nan and Luke are hiding in but are distracted by Zoe banging some pots together. Um, what? Aren’t they under a spell by the almighty Angela Bassett? Pretty sure some random noises off to the side wouldn’t derail them, but it does. The entire group ventures off in Zoe’s direction and she realizes that oops… she didn’t actually have a plan. So she runs off into the woods alone, because that is obviously the best option. She locks herself in a shed with a wooden door that, despite having axes and other various gardening type tools, the zombies are unable to bust through.

Delphine is chastising Queenie for leaving the bed and is determined to take proper care of her. Delphine says she is going to fetch some ice and Queenie demands a Coke. Two missing friends and the zombie apocalypse outside the window and this girl wants a soda.

In the kitchen, Delphine spies her daughter through the window. She ain’t looking good but Delphine is taken aback at the sight of her and she opens the door. Despite the butcher knife in Delphine’s hand, I’m thinking this wasn’t a good idea. But the foundation of this show is people making bad decisions, so let’s see where this leads. Delphine pleads with her daughter to come back to her so she can make amends. Yeah, probably too late for that lady. Borquita grabs Delphine by the throat and lifts her up by the neck. Told ya so.

Queenie orders Spaulding to see what happened to Delphine - she claims concern, but I think homegirl just really wanted something to drink. There’s a thud and a groan and Queenie is up on her feet to see what happened. Borquita (I think? All these zombies look alike really) is there with a candlestick - the one she’d just hit Spalding over the head with. (Wasn’t she just in the kitchen? Did she miss the entire butcher’s block of knives that would’ve made better weapons?) She spots Queenie who retreats back into the bedroom. Zombie girl uses the candlestick to beat the door down - even though I don’t remember Queenie locking it - and proves me wrong about suitable weapons.

Queenie uses her power to try to kill zombie girl but gets nowhere until Delphine returns to stab Borquita through the heart. Now how did she get away from the death grip in the kitchen? I’m confused.

The zombies have tired of trying to break down Zoe’s invincible wooden door and make their way back to Luke and Nan - who have just sat on their butts while Zoe was risking her life for them. Ungrateful bastards. The zombies are just about to get them when Zoe returns with a chainsaw and single-handedly takes out the entire wave of zombies. She’s feisty for sure but this is a tad convenient for my taste. Ah, but she’s forgotten one. And her chainsaw has just died. She drops the chainsaw and trips as she runs away backwards, but then holds out her hand, chants a little something and the zombie collapses.

And so does Angela Bassett. Falls smack on her back on the wooden floor. Uh oh.

Back at the hospital, Cordelia’s hubby returns and argues with Fiona. Fiona is not shy about her distaste for Hank and a nurse storms in to say she won’t allow this ruckus. Fiona gives Hank 15 minutes with Cordelia and then orders him to disappear. Hank takes Cordelia’s hand and her eyes snap open (ew, all cloudy with her blindness) and she sees images of him screwing that little tart in the hotel room. She lost her vision but it seems Cordelia’s got a whole new sight.

Zoe and Nan are burning zombie body parts while Fiona watches. I’m sure the neighbors are bound to love the fragrance that ought to be producing. Fiona says Luke will stay with them until he fully recovers and Nan is thrilled. Delphine comes out to the yard to mourn the smouldering bits of what used to be her daughters but leaves when the Council arrives.

The Council demands the abdication of Fiona as the Supreme. Fiona is not pleased. She accuses Myrtle of being the hooded figure and Myrtle denies it. But Fiona is too convincing and has some damning evidence - and the Council orders the burning of Myrtle at the stake. Tsk tsk, Myrtle. One does not cross Fiona. I coulda told you that.

Myrtle is tied to a stake and gasoline is doused all over her body while the coven watches on. Fiona smokes a cigarette and then tosses it onto Myrtle who screams as she is engulfed by flames. Zoe is horrified - but considering what she’s done and seen prior to this (her boyfriend’s mother’s head beaten in by a trophy, chainsawing a zombie in half from head to toe) this really shouldn’t be all that horrifying in comparison.

Credit: Tumblr

After the burning, Queenie comes to Fiona and asks if she helped Fiona to frame an innocent woman. Queenie had no idea they’d actually light Myrtle on fire and she can’t live with the guilt. Fiona sweet talks her and tosses out pretty words that Queenie might be the next Supreme. Queenie, of course, falls for it, and agrees to do exactly as Fiona says. Fiona is good, I admit, but that was just a little too easy.

Spaulding is air freshening his creepy ass room full of dolls and dancing around in a woman’s nightie, knee high boots and a bonnet. To each his own but seriously, WTF? He opens a chest, coughs away the scent of Madison’s rotting corpse, and lifts her out of the box. But her arm breaks off and she falls back into the trunk. Don’t worry, Zoe can probably sew her back together. She’s had lots of practice.

Misty is at the site of Myrtle’s burning and holds Myrtle’s charred head in her hands. After a second or two, Myrtle’s eyes pop open. Oh dear. I’m starting to think that this show should really let at least one of their characters stay dead.

We’ve gone two weeks without a hint of bestiality or incest, and that’s good. But if we have anymore resurrections or miraculous survivals, I may get a tad bored. Challenge me, AHS. Freak me out. Scare me.

This week’s episode left me underwhelmed. I’m hoping it was a lot of set-up for some amazing things to come. Cuz all I took away from it was a real hankering to listen to “Thriller” and dance around my living room.

Until next week…