American Horror Story - S3E3 - The Replacements
Previously on American Horror Story, ‘Boy Parts’
We open on Fiona unable to sleep and pouring herself a brandy to wash down some pills. Then flashback to 1971 - a young Fiona is challenging the Supreme and letting her know her days as Supreme are numbered. When a new Supreme arrives, the reigning Supreme starts to wither, and the old Supreme has shown signs of wear. Fiona makes it clear that she is to be the new Supreme and casually slits the old Supreme’s throat amid her declarations that Fiona will never take the throne. Ooh, honey, I saw that coming. One does not challenge Jessica Lange.
Cut back to present day where we see Fiona showing signs of wear. Which leads me to believe the new Supreme is on the rise. But I doubt very much that Fiona will go quietly.
After commercial we find ourselves in a hopping jazz club, Fiona alone at the bar, telling tales of the way she has toyed and played with men effortlessly over the years. She eyes a young lad across the bar and he makes his way over to her, and then keeps walking to flirt with a group of much younger - although inferior - women. Another sign that Fiona might be slipping just a tad. She visits a plastic surgeon and they discuss face lifts. I see what they’re trying to do here, but is there really no magic potion or spell the Supreme can whip up to give her facade a bit of a boost?
Zoe goes to visit Kyle’s mother and she’s loading a bowl (charming). Sweetie, you’re gonna need something so much stronger than that when you find out she sewed your son’s pieces back together and witchcrafted him back to life. Turns out mommy dearest nearly hung herself, but the phone call from Zoe saved her life. Touching. And then Zoe says cryptically that Kyle hasn’t left them.
The girls are spying on the new eye candy moving in next door, and despite the massive amounts of awesome girl power in this show, I am happy to see some sweaty rock hard abs roaming around.
Madame Delphine is watching TV and crying over the travesty that a black man is president. Right before Fiona deems her the maid. Oh, I cannot wait until she has to wait on Queenie. And I do not have to wait long. Delphine calls Queenie a “negress” (is this a step up from being called “slave”? I’m not sure) and then throws a plate. Queenie nearly backhands her and then Fiona storms in and tells Delphine she is now Queenie’s personal slave. God, I love this woman.
Misty and Kyle are lying in bed, and Misty is singing more Stevie Nicks. Someone get this woman an iTunes gift card and broaden her musical horizons. Zoe shows up and Misty shows her that she’s helped to heal Kyle’s sutures. He’s almost a real boy again! Kyle runs a hand through Zoe’s hair and Zoe says she’s got to take him home. Misty does not agree. She tries to keep him there and he lets out a zombie-like growl and bats her away. Zoe promises to come back, but Misty doesn’t believe her. So she twirls and dances to Stevie Nicks and gives the camera a little of that crazy eye I love so much.
Madison and Nan give the new neighbors a visit and bring a cake. They prove to be real church loving folk and Madison makes no qualms about not being a real Bible thumper. She has a tiny tussle with the mama and a butcher knife goes flying. Mama promises to pray for her, so Madison lights her drapes on fire.
Cordelia is at her fertility doctor and finds out that she absolutely cannot have a baby, but the doctor wishes he had a magic wand. Ah, the irony. Fiona is at her plastic surgeon and is told that she cannot have any procedures done - basically ever. She says she’ll find another doctor and he says she won’t find one that will operate on her. Her immune system is in some sort of freefall (see, I told you!).
Zoe drives Kyle back to his mother’s house and I’m thinking this is a bad idea. If my child were declared dead and I identified the bits and pieces of his body, then he showed up at my doorstep, I do not even know how I would process that. But mommy dearest has no such qualms. She is overjoyed and takes zombie boy into her arms, no questions asked. Good Lord, woman, how many bowls did you smoke exactly?
Joan (neighbor mama) comes over bearing a Bible as a gift and turns down a drink from Fiona. These two ought to get along smashingly. Joan complains about the scandalous girls who dared set foot in her home, complaining about their outfits before even mentioning the butcher knife that nearly impaled her. She threatens to call the cops “in Jesus name” and storms out. I love her intensity but Jesus ain’t gonna save you. Fiona calls Madison over and asks her to demonstrate this newfound fire starting power she’s developed. Hmmm…Madison developing new powers, blossoming as the reining Supreme withers. Oh dear.
Mommy Dearest walks in on Kyle, whipping the shower curtain aside while he’s still nude, looking him up and down, and declaring him a different person. He has a different body and she knows it, but she doesn’t care. He’s still her beautiful boy. And then she starts to make out with him. And then she jerks him off. Because this is how all good mothers welcome their sons home.
Holy hell, that was disgusting.
Cordelia goes to visit Marie about her fertility problem. Marie explains how the spell will work, asking for two ounces of “baby gravy” (I am using this term from here on out, by the way) then she’ll eat a pepper “hotter than Hades” and dance around, and then they’ll slit the throat of a goat and watch as its blood pours over Cordelia. It’s gonna cost 50K, but they have a 100% success rate. Cordelia swears she will get the money and then Marie bursts into laughter and says she wouldn’t do it for any amount of money. Fiona “done messed with the wrong witch” and Marie isn’t gonna help Cordelia, no way, no how.
Nan complains about having to hear Zoe’s thoughts about Kyle, but is interrupted by mommy dearest calling Zoe to say that it is “not Kyle.” She had no issues with this the night before while she was pleasuring him, so I don’t know what her sudden concern is - maybe the penis they sewed on to him was not up to her standards, I don’t know. But Zoe comes running.
Fiona and Madison are at lunch and Madison asks Fiona to teach her how to harness her powers. Fiona seems to oblige, but I’m figuring there is something else going on here, because “nice” Fiona is not only no fun, it’s highly unlikely. Madison is able to convince a man to wander out into a busy street and she’s quite pleased with herself. And then Fiona gives a slight evil eye and I’m happy, because when these two are sure to face off, we are in for a treat.
Queenie is polishing off a sandwich while Delphine is putting together a chicken pot pie. Queenie then demands a peach cobbler for dessert. Delphine says that if Queenie were her child, she’d have locked up the pantry and thrown away the key. Um…well, she ain’t all that wrong about that one. But then they hear some noises and it’s Delphine’s house boy, that man she put the bull head on, back to seek revenge for what she’d done to him. Queenie slices into Delphine’s hand to wet a towel with her blood and sends her away before heading outside to find the Minotaur guy. Uh, yeah, I’m thinking that’s not gonna end well. It’s not like she can outrun it and she’s got no weapons. Not a smart move. I’m waiting for her to call out “who’s there?” in true horror movie cliche fashion, but it cuts to a commercial.
After the commercial, Queenie is luring the minotaur with the bloody towel and then she empathizes with the “beast” and rambles on about deserving love like everybody else before rubbing up on herself and asking “don’t you wanna love me?” Sweetie, he’s a minotaur. You’re a big girl but you are beautiful and should set your sights a little higher. I mean, human at least. Minotaur man moves to take her from behind and then covers her mouth with his hand. Ew.
Mommy Dearest is yelling at Kyle about how he’s not her son and his body is different, apologizing for mommy raping him for so long before rubbing her butt up against him. He flips out and beats her head in with a trophy. Is it wrong that I’m not all that bothered by this?
Madison and Fiona are at a bar, shooting pool and whiskey. Fiona sees her former self in Madison (by the way, the actress playing young Fiona pales in comparison so horribly, it’s almost insulting) and lifts a shot glass to her. Madison takes the shot before Fiona dumps hers on the floor. Only episode 3 and Madison is being drugged for a second time. This girl needs to be more careful about what she puts in her mouth.
Zoe goes to visit Kyle and finds mommy dearest dead on the floor (with her head bashed in, yipes that was graphic) and Kyle’s body splattered with her blood.
Madison and Fiona return home and Fiona shows Madison where her painting will hang on the wall because she’s the next Supreme. As Fiona dies, Madison becomes stronger. Fiona says she has cancer and Madison offers to get the best oncologists in the country. Fiona refuses. She tells Madison about how she killed her mentor, even gives her the same knife Fiona used. She dares Madison to kill her and Madison refuses, so Fiona slits her throat instead. Oops. She lights a cigarette as Madison bleeds out onto the floor and says, “This coven doesn’t need a new supreme. It needs a new rug.”
I love this woman. And I cannot wait for next week’s episode.
This show is the best kind of messed up shit I love. Until next week…
