Previously, on American Idol: “Randy’s Choice / Judges’ Choice / Hometown’s Choice”

Ryan’s wearing a white tux. It’s extra sexy. And that bow tie. Wowsa. The girls in the audience are going crazy. I can’t blame them. Were I that close to a Seacrest, I’d be flipping my shit. They flip their shit for Jena and Caleb, too. Caleb calls them amazing, and they lose their shit some more. It must be awesome to be in the studio.

There’s some Idol prom thing for Jena and Caleb. I dunno. Maybe cause she missed her prom. Who knows what these people are thinking sometimes. And speaking of not knowing what people are thinking sometimes, I’m just gonna leave this here.

Jena’s first song is “Dog Days Are Over”. It’s not her best, but you know she’s never bad. I don’t care for the song itself. The judges loved it, though.

Caleb is doing Aerosmith’s “Dream On”. Pretty awesome. Jen sings along. Everybody loves him. The audience won’t shut up. This is a pretty great song for anybody to sing.

I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen the infamous Simon Fuller’s face. He’s in the audience all smiling and hearing dollar signs.

Jena is singing “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You” again. She’s even better than last time. This girl gets better every time she performs. Harry and his bow tie loved her, as did the rest of us.

A girl in the audience has a sign that says “Caleb + Jena”. No one has taught her how this show works. Only one person can win, honey. You must choose your allegiance! Choose it now!! You’ve got but a few hours to make up your mind.

Caleb’s next song is “Maybe I’m Amazed”. It’s a very Caleb performance. Meaning he took an awesome song and sang it awesomely. There’s no way to even guess at this point who will win; they’re both so awesome.

The last performances are their winning singles. They’re as horrifyingly bad as they ever are. I watched the show live this time, so there was no fast forwarding. Trust me when I say I suffered through both songs and both were bad. I think David Cook’s “Light On” was one of the few not terrible winning singles.

It should be known that I used my Idol iPhone app to vote for Jena 50 times.

Oh, so there’s this Bachelor-type show on after Idol called I Wanna Marry “Harry”, in which I guess a bunch of stupid American’s compete to win the heart of someone who is being passed off as Prince Harry. I’m ashamed to see Ryan Seacrest’s name attached to this. I really am. I watched it. I don’t know why, but I did. I feel dirty. Let’s pretend this didn’t happen and move on to Wednesday’s results.

Wednesday Night: Results

So, a lot is scheduled to go on tonight. I don’t want to dwell too much on anything, so I’ll probably just skip around. We start out with flashbacks and then Caleb and Jena talking in an elevator. I kind of feel like they pretend to be friends more than they really are. It’s awkward, but then Caleb sings “We Will Rock You” which then turns into Jena singing “I’m Just a Girl” and then into some other song, and it’s pretty cool. I would love to go to a results finale show someday.

Ryan’s tux is black tonight. Not as beautiful as the white tux, but he’s still lovely.

Jena tells Caleb she’s so proud of how far he’s come, and he’s all like, “Yeah, I know, it’s awesome.” This guy is kind of a douche. I don’t want him to win. He’s a great singer, but I don’t like him much as a person and you have to love the winner as a person, right? I always have.

We’ve got Phil Phillips and Sam performing together. I don’t know why there isn’t any Kelly Clarkson or David Cook here. There’s Jennifer Nettles, though I don’t really know who she is. Ew, Jessica joins her. It’s time for a bathroom break. Brb…

Randy is wearing a bright pink suit jacket. It’s hurting my eyes. I think Ryan is thinking the same thing, but he’s got this “I’m pretending to listen to you” face plastered on. I love that man.

Jennifer sings in her bathing suit. I’m seeing a lot of cleavage. I don’t get it. What’s wrong with jeans and a t-shirt? Damn kids these days.

Caleb performs with KISS. KISS must be very confusing to young kids. Like even this generation’s teenagers must be like, “Wait, what?”

Some strange performance goes on that I do not understand. Sometimes I think I’m too old for this show. All this newfangled music and artists I don’t get. I think me and Seacrest should just hang out alone and play Pictionary.

Majesty and Sam are sent to get stuffed animals for Caleb and Jena’s dressing room. After dropping off Jena her stuffed kittens and Caleb his stuffed giraffe, they call the two outside and surprise them with brand new cars.

Demi Lovato! And all the girls from this season!! Except MK… what the hell? Demi and Jena sing together, so I finally know for sure they are not the same person!

Next we’ve got Jena singing a song called “Decode”. It’s great. She might’ve sang this last night. I felt last night’s episode was somewhat lackluster. I was slightly disappointed. It was anticlimactic.

Jena with Paramore. Orange and yellow balloons released. Seacrest tries to catch one, but it’s almost as big as him. John Legend. Ryan in the audience surrounded by girls. Alex and Jason Mraz. Awww, the Seacrest family in the audience. Adorable. His mom tells a story about how she drove Ryan to his first concert, which was Richard Marx. And then they get him to sing “Right Here Waiting for You”. It’s horrible but beautiful at the same time. OMG Richard Marx! I’m probably dating myself here, but I totally love Richard Marx. He and Ryan duet, and it’s great. Even Randy sings along, and I don’t even get the urge to tell him to shut up; not even when he high fives Ryan’s mom. Well, maybe a little when he high fives Ryan’s mom.

Next up, we’ve got CJ and Dexter singing with Hootie (aka Darius Rucker). Then Lady Antebellum. The performances tonight are all well and good; I just wish there were more past Idols.

God, Ryan looks adorable tonight.

The judges (including Jackson, but who counts him?) do a lovely trio performance of “True Colors” and “You Can Go Your Own Way”, though that one isn’t quite as lovely as the first song was. Everybody rocks out, though, and it’s fun to watch. The guys just sound like they’ve never sang before. They need Ryan in on this. If Jen can dance around with a tambourine and lots of boob showing, why can’t he?

Okay, time for the results! Ryan drags it out and drags it out… and makes the judges help him drag it out. And the winner is……… Caleb!!

Ah, I was voting for Jena, but Caleb deserves it as well. Congrats to him. He’s supposed to sing that gross single song, but gets too choked up and hugs everybody instead. I still don’t see MK amongst this group. I’m concerned. Anyway, congratulations to Caleb. It’s been a great season, and it’s been great recapping again. Hope to see you all again next year! Peace!

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