Game of Thrones - S5E5 - Kill the Boy

Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘Sons of the Harpy’

Daenerys - Meereen

Missandei sits by Grey Worm’s bedside. She’s crying, but he’s alive. Dany stands over Ser Barriston Selmy’s body in the throne room. Hizdahr pays his respects as Daario suggests setting up a base of operations and sweeping through every neighborhood in retaliation.

Dany has another idea: she has all of the heads of the great Meereenese families (including Hizdahr) gripped up and taken to the dragons. She doesn’t care if they’re all innocent or guilty. She’s going to make an example of them. One man is pushed before the dragons who waste no time in flame broiling his ass and ripping him in two. He must have been seasoned just right because he fell off the bone with ease. 

Hizdhar starts making deals with the gods, but Daenerys doesn’t want to over-feed them. He and the others are placed in cells until the next day.

Grey Worm awakens and learns of Selmy’s death. He tells Missandei he is ashamed. Not because he failed his men, but because he was afraid - not of death, but not seeing her again. Then they kiss and we get our first Black Love on Game of Thrones.

Sidenote: What the hell is Missandei using on her hair? Shea Moisture? Carol’s Daughter? Kinky Curly Custard? Miss Jessie’s? Meereeneese berries? I need to know! Her curls are everything.

Daenerys seeks Missandei’s advice since the majority of her council is either dead, wounded, exiled, in jail, or shady as fuck. Missandei’s advice doesn’t really seem to be about much. It boils down to: Sometimes you listen to advice, sometimes you ignore it because you think you know a better way. Gee, thanks. That pretty much sums up everyone. 

Then Hizdahr gets the biggest come-up in the history of television: not only will he not be dying, but Dany says she’s going to reopen the fighting pits AND marry his ass. Okay then.

Jon Snow - The Wall

Sam reads a note about Dany, her rule, and her troubles in Meereen to Maester Aemon. Maester Aemon laments that he’s the only other Targaryen alive and he’s worlds away and dying. Unable to help her. She’ll be the only Targaryen left and then Jon walks in right at that moment. He might as well have a flashing sign over his head that reads: R+L=J.

Jon needs to speak to Aemon alone for some advice. He needs to do something, but it will alienate half of his men. Aemon is all, “Um, half the men already didn’t vote for your ass. Man up.”

So, Jon makes an offer to Thormund Giantsbane. Gather the remaining free folk and Jon will let them cross the wall. He’ll give them land. No kneeling. They just have to help them fight when the white walkers attack. Thormund is skeptical and says the free folk will kill him if he asks to fight alongside crows. Jon asks what will happen to the women, children, and old people if they don’t? Make peace to save your people, dude. Thormund agrees, but Jon will have to go with him. It’s a week’s journey to reach them and they’ll have to borrow Stannis’ ships.

Then Jon presents this plan to his man and it goes over just about as well as you’d expect. This is what I meant by Jon’s show of force in taking off Janos’ head. Yeah, it was badass, but now you’re killing your own men (justified or not) and then asking them to take in the people who have been killing them since forever. Not only that, but you’re going to give them land while they have to freeze their asses off at The Wall. Alone with Jon, Ollie let’s him know he ain’t hearing it either. He looks supremely disappointed in Jon before he leaves the room. Yeah, Jon may have already only had the support of half of his men, but he wasn’t counting on some of the half he had turning on him.

Sam is in the library, trying to get his learn on and Gilly keeps pestering him with dumb questions about books. She apologizes for not knowing things besides S. He tells her it’s not a big deal and explains to her what the Citadel is. Then Stannis arrives and Gilly scurries out. That girl knows her damn place when she needs to.

Stannis wants to talk about how it was possible Sam killed a walker since he’s all fat and stuff. Sam explains the dragon glass and how he’s seen the army of the dead Melisandre prophesied. Stannis tells Sam to keep hitting them books, son.

Stannis is ready to ride for Winterfell in the morning despite Davos’ advice that they wait a bit longer. Stannis insists and says his wife and daughter are also coming. He’s not leaving them at The Wall with rapists and killers. The next morning, they prepare to leave but not before Selyse acts like a Grade-A twunt and Jon promises Stannis he’ll get his ships back.

Podrick and Brienne - Somewhere Near Winterfell

Pod tries again to tell Brienne (again) that Sansa is probably better off at home, but Brienne shuts it down. At this point, Brienne is like your ex who won’t leave you alone, and he keeps trying to talk to your friends like, “Please, just tell her to answer my emails. I just want to talk to her.” Anyway, Brienne asks an inn worker to get a message to Sansa.

Sansa and The Boltons - Winterfell

Myranda is jealous and jealousy bores Ramsay. She thought he was going to marry her. He was, he says, when he was a bastard. He’s legitimate now and can’t be marrying just anybody. Geez. Maybe she’ll get married, too, she says. He shuts that shit down. She’s his. Sansa is his. Everything is his. He reminds her not to act basic; he doesn’t like it. She bites his lip and draws blood, which is the most un-basic thing you can do. It’s also a huge turn on for him and he takes her at the window. She looks a lot less into it than she was the last time they were having sex and she was doing all that damn hootin’ and hollerin’.

The housekeeper visits Sansa again and cryptically tells her she has friends. If she’s ever in danger, she’s to light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower. Guess Brienne got the message to Sansa after all.

Later, Sansa is looking up at the tower like, “How the fuck?,” when Myranda approaches. She makes small talk about Sansa’s dressmaking skills and her dead mother. Then she takes Sansa to the kennels and tells her there’s something for her in the last cage. Sansa, not being nearly as smart as I thought she was, takes her happy ass down there and finds Reek just reeking it up in all his twitchy, stinky glory.

“You should not be here,” he says. No shit.

That evening, Reek tells Ramsay about Sansa seeing him and he apologizes. After a tense moment where I was pretty sure Reek was about to lose a hand, Ramsay forgives him. That’s how broken Theon is: He believes he needs forgiveness for sleeping in the dog cage and minding his own damn business.

Dinner with the Boltons is a fucked up affair. Reek has to serve them and then Ramsay makes him apologize for murdering Sansa’s brothers. Then he insists Reek will give Sansa away at the wedding. But Roose is the king of petty and drops the bomb that his wife is pregnant. That wipes the smile off Ramsay’s face and puts one on Sansa’s.

Alone with his father, Ramsay body shames his stepmother. How can he even tell she’s pregnant when she’s so fat? How did he even find her vagina to put his penis in it? I was waiting for him to ask if Roose had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. He’s clearly jealous that Roose might have a legitimate son, one born of marriage and not handed to him for funsies.

Roose then tells a charming story of raping Ramsay’s mother to conceive him shortly after killing his mother’s husband. Roose was going to kill her and Ramsay when she came to him, but he took one look at that bouncing ball of crazy and knew Ramsay was his. And now, he needs Ramsay to help him defend the North against Stannis.

Jorah and Tyrion - Valyria

Jorah still ain’t talking and Tyrion is still talking too much. Tyrion’s also probably going through alcohol withdrawals. He notes they’re going through Valyria, which is a detour on the way to Meereenese. Jorah admits it’s a way to avoid pirates. They briefly discuss the history of the once great kingdom, some of which I’ve included in the spoiler box below, if you’re interested. Photo of Valyria and info courtesy of A Wiki of Ice and Fire.

Then Tyrion spots Drogon, who flies overhead without so much as a glance at Tyrion and his former stepfather. This is a huge moment for Tyrion (and the audience because dragons!), who has read a lot about dragons and how they helped conquer Westeros.

While they stare in awe, a figure drops into the water from a nearby cliff. Then another drops in their boat. Stone Men! Jorah yells for Tyrion to avoid their touch as he fights them off. While Jorah is busy, Tyrion comes close to being touched by one of the snarling men deformed by greyscale. To save himself, Tyrion falls into the water and tries to work the ropes around his wrists. He is grabbed by one and pulled deeper into the dark waters. Fade to black.

But wait; there’s more! Tyrion awakens on a beach. Jorah has saved them. Both men say they weren’t touched and Jorah talks through a new plan that will get them to Meereen without a boat. He walks off to get firewood and when Tyrion isn’t looking, he pulls back his sleeve to reveal he was touched after all.

Thoughts & Questions:

• Poor Jorah. How quickly does greyscale spread? Jorah contracting it means he’s taking the place of a character from the books who has not yet been introduced on the show - and I don’t think he will be. If memory serves, this character is not yet dead in the books so it’s possible Jorah’s fate isn’t sealed. The Double Ds do know how the book series ends. Then again, they deviate like a motherfucker. Either way, I’m sad for Jorah and dying to see how this plays out.
• Dragon STAY out in #DemStreets and far, far from home.
• What is Myranda’s play? It seems she’s trying to reveal Ramsay’s true nature to Sansa in the hopes that she’ll call off the wedding. This is a lot smarter than I gave her credit for. I thought she’d just straight up try to kill Sansa, and she still might.
• Who sent the update on Daenerys to The Wall?
• The story about Valyria being this advanced civilizations with all that it was and knew lost in the flames is both tragic and beautiful. I loved when Tyrion asked something to the effect of, “How many centuries before we learn to build like this?” And Peter Dinklage totally nailed the look of wonderment, of being far from home - farther than he’s ever been - and seeing something that no longer existed. Something he never thought he’d see. It would be like you going to the moon… and then seeing a dinosaur there.