Game of Thrones - S6E1 - The Red Woman

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Previously on Game of Thrones

As a book reader, I’m excited for this season of Game of Thrones. Most of what happens will be beyond where the books are, plus they’ve already proven they’re willing to go off book and kill off characters who still breathe on the page. After this premiere, I anticipate loving this season as long as they don’t draw out certain situations we’ve already seen.

Conditions in the North: Icy

Ramsay mourns for Miranda for all of three minutes and then orders that her remains be fed to the dogs. He vows revenge on those responsible for her death, but first he has to find them. Roose makes it very clear: Ramsay’s antics have cost them Sansa, whose presence is needed if they’re to gain the North’s support when the Lannisters come calling. He crossed Cersei by scheming with Littlefinger to wed Ramsay and Sansa. If they can’t provide an heir to solidify his hold on the North, then it will just have to rest on the baby Roose is having with his wife.

Show of hands: Who thought Ramsay would kill his stepmother before the 9:55pm mark? Just me?

Theon and Sansa haven’t gotten far, at least not far enough that Bolton’s dogs aren’t within barking distance. Even crossing icy water isn’t enough and they’re soon surrounded by their pursuers. Before they can be returned to Winterfell, Brienne comes through with Pod, hacking her way into Lady Sansa’s service, finally.

Conditions at King’s Landing: Miserable

Cersei plays with her new short hairdo and plots the demise of her enemies until she receives word a ship has arrived from Dorne. Her joy at seeing Myrcella quickly vanishes when she spies a shrouded body on the boat. Surprisingly, she doesn’t lash out and blame Jamie (yet) or the Martells (yet). She’s resigned herself to the witch’s prophecy being real. It’s Jamie who promises to kill everyone who dared to cross them. Where will he start? Let’s hope he visits the High Sparrow sooner than later.

Our first look at Margaery’s imprisonment reveals she’s not being treated any better than Cersei. Septa Unella reads scripture and demands a confession. However, unlike Cersei, Margaery is only concerned for Loras, her brother, who was also arrested by the Sparrows. Not even when the High Sparrow himself speaks with her does she break. Margaery is not going to fall for the “just tell me the truth and I won’t be mad” okie doke.

Conditions in Dorne: Treacherous

Last season I had hoped Doran Martell had a trick up his sleeve when he spoke of believing in second chances, but not thirds. Strike one: Elia. Strike two: Oberyn. I wondered if he hadn’t finally given into Ellaria’s bloodlust and sanctioned the murder of Myrcella.

Nope.

He barely has time to digest the news of Myrcella’s death before one of the Sand Snakes kills Areo Hotah and Ellaria stabs him in the chest. She taunts him as he dies, telling him how much the people of Dorne despise his weakness. Considering none of the guards lifted a finger to help him, I see no lies there. Doran dies with the knowledge that his son’s fate will be the same, and sure enough: The other Sand Snakes kill Trystane on his ship.

This is an interesting development. Dorne can’t take on King’s Landing alone. Who could they consider an ally? Depending on whether or not Margaery and Loras are released, and what role the Lannisters/throne may play in that, maybe the Tyrells? Or they may be able to team up with Roose and any forces he can sway to his side in the North.

Conditions in Meereen: Pitiful

Meereen is, in short, a hot-ass mess.

People are starving in the streets, and slurs against Daenerys are now written on the walls alongside, “Kill the Masters.” The former slaves think she abandoned them, and the Lord of Light has a priest reinforcing that idea. Things go from bad to worse when Daenerys’ fleet of ships are burned in the harbor. Is this the Harpies or former slaves? Hard to tell these days, but Varys informs Tyrion he has his spies trying to learn who’s leading the Sons of the Harpy.

Jorah and Daario’s road trip leads them to the spot where Daenerys was taken and they realize she’s with the Dothraki. As expected, Jorah hasn’t revealed he has Grayscale.

Conditions Wherever the Hell Dany Is: Rapey

Daenerys’ khalasr captors are the broiest bros to ever make rape jokes. They openly speak of raping her before presenting her to their Khal, who then also talks about how he’s going to rape her. She drops every last one of her government names, but they are not impressed. It’s not until she name drops Khal Drogo does he apologize and remove her binds.

She offers up horses if they’ll escort her back to Meereen. No can do, says Khal Broho. Daenerys has to go where all the Khal widows go to grow old together.

Florida. They’re taking Dany to Florida.

Conditions in Braavos: Hell’s Kitchenesque

You know who else is doing pretty terribly? Arya. She’s now blind and homeless, sitting on the streets listening to the world continue on around her. At least Waif from The House of Black and White stops by for a visit. Oh, wait. She’s a bitch.

She beats Arya’s ass with a stick for a bit and then promises to stop by the next day to do it all over again.

Conditions at The Wall: Colder than a Red Witch’s Very Old, Drooping Tit

Jon Snow’s very dead body lies in the snow where the treasonous Night’s Watchmen left him. Ghost cries and scrapes at the door holding him from his master. Davos finds Jon and along with Dolorous Edd and a few other brothers they can trust, they lock themselves in Jon’s office with his body.

Edd and the others are ready to die to avenge Jon, but Davos is like, “Slow your roll. We may think of a way out of this that doesn’t involve dying. Speaking of which, um, Ghost knows we didn’t do this shit, right?”

When Melisandre sees Jon’s body, she’s clearly shaken. The fire showed her Jon Snow fighting at Winterfell. How can this be? She goes to her quarters to question everything she thought she knew. Meanwhile, Alliser Thorne takes responsibility for killing the Lord Commander with the rest of the Night’s Watch, but cites protecting them and The Wall from Jon’s bad leadership. Note: He doesn’t then offer up a new vote for Lord Commander. He’s taken the title for himself. Asshole.

Davos reminds Edd they know a whole lotta folks who owe Jon Snow their lives. Edd definitely picks up with Davos is laying down and heads to meet with the Wildlings. Alliser’s first order of business is to strike a deal: He’ll let Davos and Melisandre go if they’ll just open up peacefully. They have till nightfall to think about it. Davis is smart enough to know Alliser is full of shit, and suggests to the others that they’ll need Melisandre’s help.

Unfortunately for them, Melisandre is getting too old for this shit. No, really. She’s old as fuck. She removes her necklace (and her Spanx) and transforms into an ancient lady, who wants nothing more than to take a nap.