ProFanity Presents: Ghost Shark
Last night, society was on the receiving end of yet another Syfy original film. Unfortunately, unlike with our previous ProFanity outing-Sharknado, also a Syfy film-Ghost Shark was less “so bad it’s good” and more “so bad it’s bad”. We will steadfastly hold true to our commitment to you, however: we will watch shitty TV so you don’t have to. Well, some of us will, while the others sit back and laugh and laugh at their sorrow. ProFans Chanse, Kituria, and Meghan were the lucky victims bastards, this time. They sat through Ghost Shark, and now they will answer some questions about the film, to give us all just enough information to discuss this film when it’s inevitably brought up around the water cooler, break room, or whatever newfangled area where kids are loitering nowadays (Twitter and Facebook, mostly).
Chanse
What did you expect from a Movie called Ghost Shark?
To be sad and go to bed late.
Was there anything good about this movie? Anything at all?
The 10 minutes of bikini-clad girls at the very beginning.
As we know, a good death is its own reward; who would you say died the best?
Though I was enamored for some time with “Fat Kid Eaten on Slip n’ Slide”, the award must go to “Thug Mayor Has Torso Removed While Pooping.”
There was some actual dialogue in Ghost Shark. What was your favorite Quote?
“Get back to chummin’ ‘fore I blow your head off!” - Thug Mayor
Ghost Shark 2. How? When? Why? What? No, really…why?
Some moron at SyFy gives another check for $500 to the same asshole who crapped this one out. Very likely the same moron who decided to spell SciFi with Ys.
Kituria
What did you expect from a Movie called Ghost Shark?
Ghost Hunters searching for paranormal activity in a beach community. They stumble upon or somehow release the Ghost Shark.
Was there anything good about this movie? Anything at all?
The Mayor was Black with gold fronts. Ruthie Camden all grown up. The gang riding around in the Nightmare on Elm Street Dream Master pick up truck.
As we know, a good death is its own reward; who would you say died the best?
Girl with the espadrilles getting sucked into the car wash bucket. She went down into that bucket like it was a garbage disposal.
There was some actual dialogue in Ghost Shark. What was your favorite quote?
“Yippee ki yay, mother…” Oh wrong movie. I have no idea.
Ghost Shark 2. How? When? Why? What? No, really…why?
Ava heads off to college with Kit Harington’s broke ass doppelganger. She is pursuing a degree in marine biology. She travels to Alaska where she encounters the Polar Bear Geist. She must summon Ghost Shark to save her.
Meghan
What did you expect from a Movie called Ghost Shark?
The Shark never jumped into Whoopi Goldberg’s body to channel Patrick Swayze so he could molest Demi Moore…so, right away, I was disappointed.
Was there anything good about this movie? Anything at all?
I recorded it on my DVR, so I got to fast forward through all the parts people were speaking, or moving, or breathing, or not getting sawed in half by a translucent eating machine from the hell that is the SyFy Writer’s Room floor.
As we know, a good death is its own reward; who would you say died the best?
Got to go with “Water Cooler Eric”. I forget what role he had in the Smallport Police Department…but that Ghost Shark went to a lot of trouble to hang out at a water cooler long enough to murder someone over a paper cup of water and then split him in half. I’m pretty sure this is also what happens when you drink the water in Mexico.
There was some actual dialogue in Ghost Shark. What was your favorite quote?
I can’t believe it’s a tie! More than one line in this raging turd had a quote I even noticed? I need to rethink my entire life.
- “I’m gonna beat you like you stole somethin’!” When Cameron, cast as a possible pop culture replacement for Donald Glover, hops into the back of the pick up truck against his father’s wishes, his father screams this to the world.
- “Frank, a car was hot waxed with the entrails of the woman washing it. I’d say the town’s already panicked!” I believe this quote stands alone with the likes of Keats and Alexander Pope. Soak it in.
Ghost Shark 2. How? When? Why? What? No, really…why?
Maybe not a Ghost Shark 2 feature film (Syfy owes me money for ever suggesting it could be a feature film), but if Ghost Shark comes back, I hope it’s on a reality-based MTV show with Ashton Kutcher, where people get Ghost Sharked!
Throw a glass of water on someone in a restaurant? * Chomp * “DUDE! You just got Ghost Sharked!” Drive really close to the curb in a storm and puddle splash a group of people waiting for the bus? * Chomp * Those bitches just got Ghost Sharked, yo!
There you have it, ProFans! Everything you could possibly need to know to carry on a conversation about a movie you didn’t even watch. We’re having fun with the movie, of course; if you did actually enjoy Ghost Shark, we certainly won’t hold it against you. We can tell you that there is actually another film about phantom fish; it is called Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws, and it has absolutely no connection to the Syfy film that aired last night. It doesn’t have a release date, yet, but you can rest assured that there is more haunting sea creature fun on the horizon.
I can’t stop laughing at “fat shark in a little coat”.
It’s hilarious.