ProFanity Presents: Sharknado
Last night, Syfy unleashed upon the world another of its instant classics: Sharknado. Of course, one person’s classic is another person’s worst movie to ever be made in the history of ever. With that in mind, we know quite a few ProFans likely had no interest in watching a tornado of sharks attacking Tara Reid and Ian Zeiring (although, we can’t imagine why not). To that end, we ventured into the world of shitty television on behalf of those ProFans with what some would call “good taste”. What follows are a set of questions written by ProFan John, who did not watch Sharknado disaster itself all over television; that task fell upon the shoulders of ProFans Nina, Meghan, and Kituria. That’s right, they actually watched Sharknado so you didn’t have to, and here are their reactions.
Kituria
What exactly did you expect from a movie titled “Sharknado”, I mean really?
I didn’t watch the trailer for the movie. I assumed that a waterspout would form over the ocean, miraculously collecting sharks in its path and transporting them to land. (Yes, I have a random knowledge of meteorology.) Ian Ziering would portray some type of charming snarky official and Tara Reid the shrew marine biologist/environmentalist.
I was kinda right.
Was there anything good about this shitty movie? Anything at all?
Tara Reid looks like she was reintroduced to the power of a sandwich.
In a film full of ridiculous CGI, what ridiculous CGI scene was the best (or worst, depending on how you want to look at it)?
Ian Ziering and broke Jeffery Dean Morgan/Gerard Butler on a jetski.
Ian Ziering diving head first into the mouth of a great white shark, armed with a chainsaw. Then cutting himself out of the belly of the shark. And guess who is in there with him? Not-Willow Soprano AKA Jenny Lynn (these mofos aren’t slick)
As we know, a good death is its own reward; who would you say died the best?
The guy in the Red Shirt (how appropriate). Not only does he get devoured, on land, by a shark, that fell out of the sky. To add insult to injury, a hammerhead shark lands on his head for good measure.
Not-Willow Soprano presumably dies while trying to throw a bomb into the Sharknado. All so Ian and Tara can bring their family back together. I call bullshit.
Should there be a sequel? Sharknado 2: Electric Boogaloo? Why or why not?
Only if it was PiranhaCondaNado. At least then it would make some sense when it survived on land.
Bonus question!
Take two words and slam them together to name Syfy’s next movie; what’s it about, and what C-list actor stars in it?
EmpirePenguinBlizzard - A huge blizzard surrounds a remote town of Paradise, Alaska. The blizzard is slowly starving the penguins and they are moving further inland. The storm coincides with the aurora borealis and the town is flooded with tourists. With nothing to eat, the penguins become rabid and begin to attack.
Dean Cain as the mayor; Vanessa Williams (not THAT Vanessa Williams, Cousin Pam from The Cosby Show) as the local DJ; and Elizabeth Berkeley as the ex-wife of the mayor.
Meghan
What exactly did you expect from a movie titled “Sharknado”, I mean really?
Initially when I heard about Sharknado, I thought it was spelled “SharkN.A.T.O.”. So I easily assumed that it was a documentary about an intergovernmental alliance that was designed to provide this great nation with a collective defense to its most deadly threat in the water…Sharks with Lasers on Their Heads.
Was there anything good about this shitty movie? Anything at all?
You know, I gotta say I enjoyed the casting. Tara Reid, John Heard, Ian Ziering. It pleases me when former stars go belly up and they recognize their limitations.
In a film full of ridiculous CGI, what ridiculous CGI scene was the best (or worst, depending on how you want to look at it)?
In the first 5 minutes a beautiful young woman looks at Ian Ziering like he could still get it. That was CGI…right? If not…it had to be the shark chewing its way through the roof of the SUV. That bucket of bolts was NOT Ford Tough.
As we know, a good death is its own reward; who would you say died the best?
The School Bus Driver at least got a losery, “I came to Hollywood to be an actor” speech. Of course, then he was crushed by parts of the Hollywood sign. Phillip Seymour Hoffman could have played him in…nothing…just nothing.
Should there be a sequel? Sharknado 2: Electric Boogaloo? Why or why not?
Something has to take Florida out… even if it’s just on SyFy.
Bonus question!
Take two words and slam them together to name Syfy’s next movie; what’s it about, and what C-list actor stars in it?
ChlamydiaSaur!: A small New England town just outside of Boston. It seems that tha govahment has been experimenting on friggin’ Dino DNA. Bas-Tahds! That being said, my hand to Gawd, there is a frickin’ ChlamydiaSaur on the loose. It’s infecting the entire town with Chlamydia. This needs to be stawped!
Also starring that other Wahlberg brother you can tell is a Wahlberg, and a lot of other someones murdering a Boston Accent.
Nina
- I am about 98% sure that wasn’t Ian Ziering’s voice. That’s how low budget this shit was. They couldn’t even afford to hire all of Ian Ziering. It was his body dubbed with Dustin Diamond’s voice or something. Their mouths never matched up with their words and it was very distracting.
- The Hurricane which brought the tornado was called David, which prompted me to call it Hurricane Hasselhoff. Why? Because I’m watching a fucking movie called Sharknado and I needed to entertain myself.
- I think this movie cost $5 to make. I’ve seen Bud Light commercials with higher production values. I’m pretty sure I could have made Sharknado in my backyard with a video camera and iMovie.
- I’m going to guess that some kid’s Make-A-Wish was to see John Heard in a completely bullshit movie, and that’s how they got John Heard to do this.
Was there anything good about this shitty movie? Anything at all?
That one scene where they sought refuge in a liquor store… and Tara Reid drank it.
In a film full of ridiculous CGI, what ridiculous CGI scene was the best (or worst, depending on how you want to look at it)?
How they got Tara Reid’s lopsided boob job to look even was pretty cool.
As we know, a good death is its own reward; who would you say died the best?
The remainder of Tara Reid’s career.
Should there be a sequel? Sharknado 2: Electric Boogaloo? Why or why not?
Yes. It should be called Loan Sharknado and the sharks should just bite kneecaps.
Bonus question!
Take two words and slam them together to name Syfy’s next movie; what’s it about, and what C-list actor stars in it?
Shih Tzunami: An epic tsunami brings rabid Shih Tzus to America’s shores from China. Starring Lark Voorhies, Casper Van Dien, Drake, and Tara Reid… cause you know she ain’t doing nothing else.
I fully believe Kituria should pitch the penguin movie to Syfy and let me know when to tune in!