ProFanity Presents: Sharknado 2: The Second One
Last night, Syfy premiered Sharknado 2: The Second One, the questionably anticipated sequel to their 2013 surprisingly popular Sharknado. You know exactly what that means: the return of ProFanity, our feature where we take one for the team and watch something that may or may not be shitty, so you don’t have to; then we let you know what we thought, through a series of questions that don’t really provide any insight other than a look into how sarcastic we can be. Always, if you genuinely enjoyed this movie, we don’t begrudge your fandom, at all; this is entirely tongue-in-cheek.
This time around, the film’s titular weather phenomenon hits New York City and lots of crazy things happen, including a crapload of cameos from celebrity fans of the first film. ProFans Meghan and Sarah sacrificed their time and braincells to watch Sharknado 2: The Second One; their thoughts found below are entirely their own, but we’re pretty confident you should really agree.
Meghan
1. In another film full of more ridiculous CGI, what ridiculous CGI scene was the best (or worst, depending on how you want to look at it)?
Was that a Sewer Shark vs. Sewer Gator Battle? I’m pretty sure that was a Sewer Shark vs. Sewer Gator Battle. I think Syfy is pulling a Marvel Comics-ish teaser for their next movie, likely to star the entire reunited cast of Full House. Minus the Olsen Twins; they don’t run, or move faster than the speed of paparazzi by contract.
2. Who would you say died the best this time?
Tara Reid. What? She lived? Then Ian Ziering. He lived, too? Andy Dick? Did he die? Fuck it. I’m going with Wil Wheaton; at least he went quickly. One could argue the death of the one-liner, or countless cameo appearances could reign supreme here. Biz Markie? Bold move, Syfy.
3. Should there be another sequel, or should Syfy let this series sink to the bottom of the ocean?
Oh, there will be another sequel. Perhaps the entire ’90s C-List celebrity bunch will visit a small town in Florida. Something coastal and safe from sharks and bad weather. Maybe April, (Tara Reid) will be on a book tour. Let’s hope she’s a righty.
Obligatory bonus question: Take two words and slam them together to name Syfy’s next movie; what’s it about, and what C-list actor stars in it?
I need more Biz Markie cameos. Thanks for that, Syfy. Let’s make “Biz Sharkie” happen. It might not be a citywide weather event, but a Shark/Human Rom-Com with powdered wigs and piano serenades. If anyone can pull it off, Syfy, it is you. Bonus points for casting Outkast, but only if there is a character named Ms. Jackson and they heed their apologies.
Sarah
1. In another film full of more ridiculous CGI, what ridiculous CGI was the best (or worst, depending on how you want to look at it)?
Ian Ziering froggering over the sharks that had just eaten the cabbie. I can’t say Frogger has ever occurred to me in a moment of crisis, but clearly it’s a mantra worth its weight in gold. KEEP CALM AND THINK FROGGER.
2. Who would you say died best this time?
The woman in the airplane toilet. I’m convinced that’s what the germs are doing to me every time my toddler insists on using the airplane bathroom and then drags his entire body across every possible surface. Sadly there’s not enough Purell in the world to help this woman.
3. Should there be another sequel, or should Syfy let this series sink to the bottom of the ocean?
I’m torn, because obviously the entire series is a huge joke that can be perpetuated endlessly. Sharknado 3: Trilogy of Terror. Sharknado 4: Tetralogy of Teeth. Sharknado 5: Pentalogy of Predators. They could release one during Shark Week every year until they kill off every ’80s teen star. The Second One is probably as funny as it will get, though, so they should go out on top and stop now.
Obligatory bonus question: Take two words and slam them together to name Syfy’s next movie; what’s it about, and what C-list actor stars in it?
Slothcano. An Amazonian volcano forms as retribution for farming in the rainforest and ancient magma sloths emerge, slinking very, very, very slowly towards a party of surprisingly stupid scientists and a single farmer in a quarter-acre plot with no visible crops. Starring Steven Seagal, Samantha Fox, and the New Kids on the Block.
There you have it, ProFans! If our snarknado isn’t enough Sharknado for you, you can tune into Syfy on Saturday August 2, 2014, to watch a double feature of both Sharknado and Sharknado 2: The Second One. We aren’t sure what our next ProFanity event will be, but if/when there’s a third Sharknado film released, you can bet we’ll be there to watch it, so you don’t have to.
