ProFanity Presents: Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No!
A few times each year, the Project Fandom team will take a break from all the quality television we usually review to watch something totally ridiculous. We do this so you won’t have to. You’re welcome.
As become an annual tradition, we watched Syfy’s Sharknado 3: Oh, Hell No! last night. The lucky *ProFans answering this year’s questions are Sarah (Hannibal), Rex (Falling Skies; Better Call Saul), and Anton (Daredevil, Marco Polo).
Rex
Was the east coast ready for Sharknado 3?
NO ONE was fucking ready for all those Sharknados, Sharkicanes and sudden changes from night to day scenes! What an onslaught on the senses… good Christ. Sharknado 3 made me want to smoke weed for the first time, just so I understand the most subtle of nuances in its storytelling.
In the trailer, Ian Ziering said he knows the scent of Sharknados. What did Sharknado 3 smell like?
I’m glad the Sharknado series isn’t smell-o-vision. In the second sequel, I imagine the sharknados smelled like rotting carp, Drakkar Noir and self tanner. Hell, it could have been Ann Coulter Finley was smelling for all I care… WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE DOING IN THAT MOVIE?! Surfing on the portraits of our Presidents with Sugar Ray. How DARE you, madam! Go back in your hovel of hate and get more of your adam’s apple shaved down.
Fill in the blank: “I am tired of these motherfucking Sharks on my motherfucking __________!”
“I am tired of these motherfucking Sharks on my motherfucking Miller Lite NASCAR as I eat my Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites Pizza topped with a Subway sandwich… while I’m watching Ultra HD Syfy shows via Xfinity on Demand. Brought to you by Lumber Liquidators and Hotels.com.”
Who had the best cameo in Sharknado 3?
No fucking doubt, Mr. George R.R. Martin. I think everyone was happy to see him die considering he’s been slowly killing our very souls the last three years as we await The Winds of Winter. 10 bucks says he scraps the entire manuscript to add ice sharks into the mix, or a deadly nomadic warrior-nation of Sharkraki. Anything to mess with us further.
How many times did you say, “Oh, hell no!” while watching?
Zero. It was a three-way tie between “Jesus Christ…”, “What the fuck am I watching?!” or a deep, booming laugh. The latter occurring mainly to keep what slivers of sanity remain after witnessing the ridiculousness. Fin’s wife… gave birth to a baby… inside of a great white… after she was eaten in space… where pregnant-ass bitches shouldn’t be in the first place. Lord, help me.
Pitch Sharknado 4, complete with a new subtitle.
Six months after the destruction of the eastern seaboard, Finley Shepard and his merry band of shark-killers are celebrated as heroes. As they rest on their laurels, a handful of sharks that escaped the confines of earth’s gravity continued on a path of destruction across the cosmos. An alien race traces the origin of the toothy sea beasts back to our planet and return them on en masse… as the first wave of a genetically modified invasion force! IN SUMMER 2016, be prepared to fight for our independence in… Sharknado 4: Ya Gotta Be F*cking Sh*tting Me
Anton
Was the east coast ready for Sharknado 3?
I mean FEMA should be getting that good good thanks to Obama. So…. WTF, America?
In the trailer, Ian Ziering said he knows the scent of Sharknados. What did Sharknado 3 smell like?
Cheap cologne, desperation, and closing time at the lamest bar in town.
Fill in the blank: “I am tired of these motherfucking Sharks on my motherfucking __________!”
George RR Martin (Book 6 isn’t out yet)
Who had the best cameo in Sharknado 3?
George RR Martin. Like omg WTF! Winds of Winter is barely finished and he puts himself in mortal peril?!?!
How many times did you say, “Oh, hell no!” while watching?
Enough times to basically merit getting laid tonight.
Pitch Sharknado 4, complete with a new subtitle.
Sharknado 4 takes place in Manhattan during the Republican National Convention where Dknald Trump claims the presidential nomination for his party. A disturbance in the force and the Atlantic ocean leads sharks to rise from the depths and right this atrocity. Sharknado 4 “Liberty and Justice For All”
Sarah
Was the east coast ready for Sharknado 3?
A golden chainsaw, Teal’C, and Ann Coulter—what more could you possibly need to preemptively repel unwanted life forms?
In the trailer, Ian Ziering said he knows the scent of Sharknados. What did Sharknado 3 smell like?
A Bravosi brothel. Oysters, clams, and cockles!
Fill in the blank: “I am tired of these motherfucking Sharks on my motherfucking __________!”
planet! It’s a real problem, according to Fox News.
Who had the best cameo in Sharknado 3?
GRRM, only because there is a 99% chance of this actually happening before A Dream of Spring is published. The other 1% is him falling victim to a sharktopus.
How many times did you say, “Oh, hell no!” while watching?
Approximately fiddyleven, primarily regarding Gill’s birth inside a charbroiled shark falling from space.
Pitch Sharknado 4, complete with a new subtitle.
Sharknado 4: Oh FFS (For Finn’s Sake). After the shuttle piece kills April, they place baby Gill in the care of a nurse shark. A nurse shark! Get it?! I’ll see myself out.
