Sleepy Hollow - S3E17 - Delaware

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Previously on Sleepy Hollow, “Dawn’s Early Light”

Hey, SleepyHeads! You know that thing we spent all season hoping wouldn’t happen, praying wouldn’t happen, and finally convinced ourselves wasn’t going to happen?

It happened.

On the whole, “Delaware” wasn’t bad: the plot moved along, the effects were great, there was genuine tension, truths were revealed, surprises were surprising, and tragedy struck. The actors did a great job. But, I’m not going to pretend I’m happy about the outcome of this episode, because first and foremost, like you, I am a fan, and this just flat out hurt my feelings.

Before I get too salty, let’s look at what happened.

Abbie and Crane start the day with a sweet moment as he presents her with Crane-foam-face cappuccino art and she him with a maple bacon Meyer lemon donut. Reporting to the catacombs, they join the team… and so does Pandora and Reynolds, who swears to protect Abbie 4 evah. Needless to say, the Team Witness portmanteau is getting unwieldy (Joenny PanSophNolds?).

The minor players head to Bear Mountain, where the Hidden One there (henceforth, THOt) has taken the Hourglass of Time due to its ley lines, along which our side plants spikes at Pandora’s counsel. When her magic ley-line-detecting compass breaks, Joe runs back to get their map from the trailer. While he’s gone, Jenny sights a clear shot at the Hourglass, but THOt drags her over and sucks out all of her love, using it to turn Joe back into WendiJoe… permanently. In front of Papa Mills. Yeah.

Reynolds admits to Sophie that he’s been keeping tabs on Abbie for AD Walters, deciding to pay her back by saving the world. Meanwhile Jenny arrives to wrangle WendiJoe and tries to explain to Papa, but as we suspected, he already knows, like a whole Supernatural, one-man-Buffyverse-bunker full of knowing. In fact, he took the photo of Corbin and Nevins. In that case, he should be prosecuted for crimes against Photoshop humanity.

Armed to the teeth, Jenny attempts in vain to de-curse Joe, but, to save her father, must shoot him. Joe returns to human form, confesses his love, forgives her, and dies. Like not coming back dead. And it gets worse.

The spiked ley lines temporarily erect a glowing bubble over THOt and Pandora, but it doesn’t completely close before he melts them and takes all the power of the pantheon to destroy the earth. But guess what? It gets even worse.

Crossing the Delaware, part deux
Re-enacting the Delaware crossing, Crane and Abbie sing their way through the TRON portal to the River Styx and wax appropriately poetic.

Abbie: “Do you ever think of how many times you and I have technically died?”
Crane: “When it concerns you and me, leftenant, there is no greater certainty.”

Anyone feeling a growing sense of Ichabbie doom?

They find Washington’s destroyed boat along with the bodies of everyone except him and Betsy Ross, who’s left a handy note explaining a traitor on board sabotaged the explosive powder on board. Because that is what you carry on delicate missions: a box of raw explosive powder. That same guy happens to be wearing a cursed undead medal, so he attacks Crane, then Abbie. Who are all of these people willing to trade in their eternal souls to be undead? Gross.

It is then that Crane utters the fateful words, pondering that when Betsy returned and wrote that Dear Crane note with nary a flicker of emotion, it was almost as if she were a different person. No, not like, “Crane used to crack jokes about Betsy Ross being a pervy stalker and now the writers are pretending it didn’t happen” different person. Like an actual different person.

Yes, your worst nightmare is about to come true.

Abbie and Crane find the portal to the temple and translate the writings, opening a secret chamber where they find an altar… and Betsy. Fucking. Ross. I’ll hold while you scream and shake your fists against the injustice of the world. For one blessed moment, they think she’s dead, but she’s totally not, because as we all know, Crane keeps all of his women in the underworld. I mean, did any of his ex-girlfriends die a normal death or are they all going to pop up season after season in various states of decay like those Easter eggs you forgot you hid and keep smelling ever so funny, but you never find until that crucial moment, like when you want to finally confess your love to that one person everyone wants you to be with? No? That never happened to you? Anywhoo…

As it turns out, because Betsy lingered in the chamber one second too long, the door closed on her and Washington had to leave her behind, taking the Red Eye of Mystical WooWoo with him. And because this chamber is closer to the source of Time than Abbie’s chamber, she has no idea it’s been almost 250 years. She doesn’t seem happy to see Abbie, either. Well, the feeling’s mutual, Betsy.

So, in the same episode, DanAbbie is reaffirmed, Joenny is destroyed, WendiJoe is dead, and Betsy Ross is back. Why hast thou forsaken us, writers? Why?

Next week is the season finale. Let’s just all cross our fingers and toes and whatever else can be crossed that Abbie doesn’t get left in the Underworld to save Betsy, or get sucked into Pandora’s Box, or some other foolishness which leads to Season 4: Crane Courts Another Not Dead Colonial Girlfriend in the Present.

Oh, hell. You know that’s what’s going to happen.