The Returned (US) - S1E5 - Tony and Adam

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Previously on The Returned, ‘Victor’

Well. That escalated quickly.

Here I thought we were dealing with your run-of-the-mill, woman-targeting, white male serial killer, but actually we’re dealing with a dude who drinks blood (or who the fuck knows what else, was he eating them too?), much like a certain cat munching on a crazy lady’s insides. He’s not even sauteeing them with some fava beans and a nice chianti!

I was not ready for that shit.

And dude, Tony, no. Don’t you dare ask forgiveness from your crazy cannibal brother. That fucking psychopath was EATING PEOPLE. You get to kill him, no questions asked. I don’t know if Adam doesn’t remember what he was doing when Tony killed him, but he’s acting awfully surprised/clueless about everything. Jesus. This is fucked.

Speaking of fucked, Peter better watch his fucking back. Holy SHIT. I love Victor confronting him, although it really annoyed me that he said “you killed me and my mom” when really it wasn’t Peter; if anything, he tried to save Victor. However, I understand why Victor doesn’t really see the distinction there. But then the lights start flickering and he vanishes, and Peter is left freaking out.

I think what we all are wondering here is whether or not Simon really killed himself, and if he didn’t then what happened, and if he did, then what the fuck. He talks to Camille and it seems like we might find something out. But do we get a straight answer? No. Of course not. We just get some vague “I didn’t feel like I deserved all the good things that were happening to me” bullshit and that’s it. Does he even remember how he died? Does anyone in this damn town remember other that Victor and Helen?

Also, it just felt so stupid to me that Simon would have Camille do his dirty work and deliver this message to Rowan. The only excuse I can think up is that maybe he thought Rowan wouldn’t want him risking getting seen by Tommy, but it’s a weak explanation that seems way too convenient. I mean, there aren’t cameras up anymore, and I think that if he had come himself there’s a chance that Rowan would have run away with him right then and there, but to have a stranger at her door telling her “there’s no stopping fate”? No, I wouldn’t trust that either.

And to top it off, there’s Tommy telling Rowan that he can move past her ghost-fucking. Well, damn. I mean, I think Tommy is creepy for spying on her, but I have been able to forgive some other characters (coughScandalcough) for doing similar things, so I guess I can try and move past it too. He also mentions Simon being back like this is inherently not right, and that she must be able to feel that. She doesn’t meet his eyes, so I think he was right about that.

HOWEVER.

I am calling some Grade-A high-octane bullshit on Rowan just throwing Simon’s stuff into the trash and then looking at wedding centerpieces. I mean, what the fuck, Rowan? This guy was fucking everything to you, and having him back is apparently all you ever wanted, and just like that you toss it all out the window and are ready to marry Tommy? Is this just some kind of ploy to make Tommy drop his guard so she can sneak off? I doubt it, because there’s no reason to throw that stuff away if it’s simply a bluff.

Helen is starting to scare me. She knows Victor’s real name is Henry, and she seems to remember how she died, and she also seems to have some self-loathing issues. She takes Henry to lunch (with what money, now that I think about it?) and tells him that the flood was God cleansing the town of wickedness, and that everyone should have left it under water. Then she says, “Everyone in Caldwell is wicked, and it’s time someone did something about it.”

Uh oh. No me gusta.

Does this mean that all those floating deer were wicked? Because honestly, deer can be real dicks.

Ugh, I’ve put it off for as long as I can, but it’s time to talk about Lena.

This bitch. I have had enough of her fucking self-pitying, paranoid, immature bullshit. I just have had. ENOUGH. I might be able to sympathize with her a little if they had written her slightly differently, or if the actress playing her could make her outbursts less bratty, but I swear to god I hope Adam eats her. I really hope that he just has a nice little buffet and goes to town.

I mean, look, I get that this show is trying to set up that Lena and Camille have this weird connection. But the truth is, I sigh and wait for their scenes to be over every time either one of them is on screen. Camille is pretending to be Alice and weaving some fantastic lies about her ex-boyfriend Simon (ahem), while throwing back shots and apparently feeling nothing. Is Lena getting vicariously drunk? Whatever, who cares. Lena wakes up and touches her lips like she can feel it when Camille kisses Ben. Whatever, who cares. I just don’t like either one of them, and I don’t really give a fuck what happens unless they finally reveal a major clue as to what the fuck is going on in this town.

Bon apetit, Adam.

Funniest moment:

Tony, to Adam- “Whose blood is that?”

Scariest moment:

Helen monologuing to Henry about how all these people should go straight to hell. Some reason that’s even scarier to me than Adam.

Saddest moment:

Peter’s face when Claire called him “a good man.”

Stupidest moment:

“He said to leave your whole life and everything you know behind in about four hours. Oh, and pack light.”