True Blood - S5E1 - Turn, Turn, Turn
Sookie arrives at home after dumping both Eric and Bill, to find Debbie a.k.a. White Trash She-Wolf in her kitchen and pointing a shotgun at her. She wants to kill Sookie because she blames her for Alcide dumping her.
Normally, I’d be all about a Sookie death, but Debbie seems to have forgotten that she got dumped for being a whore. She’s probably just jealous because being a whore seems to work out really well for Sookie.
Once Debbie shoots Tara, Bill takes off like a vampire bat outta hell because he’s pussy-whipped. He runs right into a silver net set-up by a vampire SWAT team, I’m assuming were sent by The Authority. Eric is netted up, too, and they’re both dumped in the trunk of a car.
At Sookie’s, Lafayette hears the gunshot and runs into the kitchen to find Debbie and Tara damn near headless, blood everywhere, and Sookie being useless.
Meanwhile, back at Sookie’s, everyone is freaking the fuck out or bleeding.
Pam shows up looking for Eric. Remember, it’s his house now. She wants to apologize for almost roasting Sookie earlier that night. Sookie tells her Eric isn’t there and asks her to leave.
Pam is about to leave when Lafayette suggests that Pam turn Tara into a vampire. Sookie is against it, but then Lafayette reminds her that Tara is missing brain matter because of her, so now might be a good time for her to shut the fuck up. Suddenly, Sookie thinks it’s the best idea ever.
After some negotiating, Pam agrees to try only if Sookie will use her Magical Fairy Pussy to make Eric forgive her AND still owe Pam some yet-to-be-determined favor. Also, Pam would be remiss if she didn’t point out that half of Tara’s brain matter is collecting in the linoleum. She might come back six kinds of fucktarded.
Newly-fanged Reverend Newlin shows up on Jason’s doorstep and begs to be let in.
After some surprisingly logical thinking from Jason, Newlin manages to glamour Jason into inviting him inside, proving that Jason IS that dumb. Newlin is not just a vampire, he realized he is gay and in love with Jason. When Jason turns him down, Newlin gets all fancy and pissy until Jessica arrives to claim her man. Jason rescinds his invitation to Newlin and so begins the dumbest storyline of this season.
Sam is surrounding by wolves outside Merlott’s. One turns human to tell Sam that they’re looking for their pack leader, Marcus. He was last seen with Sam and Alcide so they’re sure he knows.
Sam plays dumb and then turns into an owl before they can tear him to shreds. At his shapeshifter girlfriend’s house, he tells her he won’t dime on Alcide after he helped him and his dead brother. But then naked wolf lady shows up again and threatens the girlfriend, so Sam goes with her, naked.
After some torturing, Sam still won’t give up Alcide and insists that the killed Marcus, but won’t lead them to his remains. When Marcus’ wolf mother shows up and promises not to hurt Sam’s girlfriend, he says he’ll lead them to Marcus’ body.
At this point, I’m trying really hard to stay awake.
Back at Sookie’s, Lafayette and Sookie have dug a hole to bury Tara and Pam.
Meanwhile, Eric and Bill are in the trunk, surrounded by silver nets, and being taken to The Authority. They devise a brilliant plan to blow up the car they’re riding in. You’d think those two had enough ass on fire for one night, but nooooo. Thankfully, they’re spared when they ignite the gas tank and the car blows up. Miraculously, so are the two vampires in the front of the car. ???
The passenger, a sexy brunette, turns on the driver before he can kill Eric and Bill. It’s Eric’s sister (sired by Godric), Nora. He greets her with a kiss.
She’s a vampire double agent in The Authority and had already planned on helping Bill and Eric escape. They now have to go to ground for the night because the sun will be up soon. They find a cargo holder on the docks to sleep.
Sookie and Lafayette clean up what’s left of Debbie and he urges Sookie to call the cops since it was self defense. She argues that it wasn’t self defense because she wanted Debbie dead. I’m not sure why Sookie would feel the need to include that in her statement, but whatever.
Then they head over to Lafayette’s house to get rid of HIS dead body problem, but they find that the body is gone. Seems they’re not the only dead body clean up crew on duty that night.
There’s a whole bunch of boring crap with Andy being caught in bed with that waitress by her teenage sons, Terry’s old military buddy has breakfast with Arlene and the kids and says creepy shit, and Jason tries to get back in Hoyt’s good graces, but he’s told to fuck off.
Alcide shows up at Sookie’s to tell her that Russell Edgington escaped his cement prison and she’s annoyed that neither Bill nor Eric told her Russell wasn’t dead. Alcide wants Sookie to go with him for safety, and she starts to confess what happened with Debbie until Lafayette puts a stop to that shit.
Eric bangs Nora in the cargo hold, but is interrupted by a call from Alcide. Presumably, he tells him that Russell has escaped.
Before Eric and Bill can take off for parts unknown, they are taken into custody by The Authority after all.
Meanwhile…
Sam leads the pack to Marcus’ body, Alcide confesses to killing him, and his mother wolfs out and eats the body. I’m not even kidding.
Lafayette and Sookie wait for Pam and Tara to rise. When Lafayette goes inside for some food, Pam rises and Sookie loses her shit when she realizes it didn’t work. Lafayette comes back out to find Sookie crying over Tara’s body. Suddenly, Tara flies out of the grave and advances on Sookie, who screams like a bitch.
This episode was dizzying in its pace, and I felt like the writers were juggling with 10 balls up in the air at once. I still found it enjoyable as hell because this is my junk food TV show of choice, and the more blood, supernaturals, and pretty people they show, the happier I am. Can’t wait to read your recaps of the other weeks…some major shit is going down!