Previously, on True Blood: “At Last”

If you were a lame-ass and missed all of the glorious fuckery that went down on last night’s episode, don’t fret…I got you.  Before the theme music even played we got a shitload of info and action from this episode, appropriately titled, “Fuck the Pain Away.” As expected, there was a lot of fucking but I’m not so sure it warded off ANYONE’S pain last night.

In the opening scene we’re flipping back and forth at warp speed between Sookie and Warlow at the Stackhouse Boudoir (aka, her couch) and Jessica, Bill and a few dead fay at Casa de Billith.

Wait….So we’re NOT Going to Kill Warlow Now?!

Sookie is ready to blast the shit out of Warlow with her vampire-killin’ fairy light when Warlow drops the nuclear warfare sized bombshell that not only is he in love with her and that that the two of them were destined to be together because she was promised to him as his intended….his princess….and some other Romeo and Juliet bullshit. Sookie isn’t amused by this sudden declaration of love, or his claim that he only murdered Sookie’s parents because they were going to kill Sookie and she bitch slaps him with her fairy light but because Warlow is on some next-level shit, it doesn’t faze him and he heals in like two seconds. The only thing more surprising than Warlow’s claims was the arrival of “I-don’t-need-no-fucking-invitation” Billith, who – get this shit – is actually Warlow’s maker by proxy because he had that whole Lilith takeover thing. Mind. Fucking. Blown.

Meanwhile, Bill is trying to console a high-as-a-kite Jess for draining all 4 of Andy’s nameless fay daughters and tries to do some tonsil hockey with her maker, Billith(eww…that’s like watching someone make out with their dad) but like a polite southern vamp he doesn’t go for it. My eyeballs thank him.

We take a trip back to like 3500 B.C. to find Warlow and Lilith/Billith getting their freak on when they first crossed paths on a moonlit beach. Ah, the good old days.  From that casual encounter on the beach, Warlow was born as a fairy/vampire hybrid and the one destined to save vampire kind, only to return to his village four years later, slaughter his friends and family, leave a young Niall amidst the blood-soaked ruins and then return to set Lillith ablaze in a beam of sunlight.  No wonder the guy’s fucked up and wants to exterminate the entire race of vampires, ya know?

Musings from the Vamp Camp

We already knew Pam and Willa were sent to the Vamp Camp during last week’s episode. Tara runs to find Eric for help and they enter quickly into a very poorly executed plan to get themselves captured by the LAVDF and taken to the camp to rescue Pam.  On the upside to this potentially fatal move, we finally get our first look at the “camp” where all of the vampires are being taken, and it’s pretty fucking terrible. It really gets very “Hunger Games” in there….with a vamp-load of sex. Seriously, they’re doing “copulation studies” where they watch these vamps go at it. Science, y’all.

Pam agreed to allow herself to be Frued-ed by the vamp camp therapist in exchange for a human feeding session. All was good until the subject of Eric was brought up. She basically tells the therapist that she doesn’t give a rats ass about him which is clearly bullshit.

The bond between Eric and Pam is tested even further when the Governor puts them in a room to basically fight to the death with a stake in their hands. And let me be the first to say, that I will be highly upset if anything happens to either one of these characters. For real.

Jessica, who is also captured (more on that shit in a minute) is high as shit after draining Andy’s four fairy girls, and is freaking out the whole time until Tara calms her down and the two run into a female prison boss bitch.

Sarah Newlin: Fucking for Jesus

No, really. She is. She shows up to Jason’s house after the governor doesn’t agree to trade-in newly turned Willa with a new baby. She gives him some sort of speel about wanting to “save his soul” and how God wants her to fuck him. God must know some stuff because that’s exactly what happened. After they get it on, Jessica shows up like the hot mess she is and has nervous breakdown telling Jason that she’s a horrible person and has a revelation the Billith may not be God at all and could actually be the devil.  This makes her hate herself even more for following him. Jason goes on to tell her that he “loves everything about her” which Sarah hears and contacts the LAVDF which leads to Jessica’s capture. Jason gives Sarah the “WTF?” and she delivers the best line of the night by saying, ““My body is a fuckin’ temple and you have defiled it with your vampire-lovin’ pecker!”.

Lafayette Talks to Dead People

Lafayette went full Ms. Cleo and started conjuring up Sookie’s dead parents so she could ask them if Warlows claims that her parents tried to kill her were true. Nothing ever goes well when Lafayette contacts spirits, even if he’s gotten it down a science by this point. I mean, haven’t they figured this out by now?!  No one ever fucking listens on this damn show. Anyway, the spirit of Corbett Stackhouse is currently in control of Lafayette’s body and is about to drown (or baptize?) Sookie in the river.

“I’ll Kill you for Free.”

Terry Bellefleur, continues to wear the crazy pants in the family and his guilt finally gets the best of him. He tries to hire one of his war buddies to assassinate him at some point in the near future because of a death wish over the grief of killing Patrick and because, for some reason, the writers of this show still think we are interested in this storyline. Hint: We’re not.

I am not Impressed

-Alcide and his wolf pack still trying to chase down Sam, Nicole and Emma to no avail. Alcide had a moment in a bar with his dad and things got heated, words were exchanged about how he wasn’t around when he was a young pup and he shoves his dad on the ground and throws money at him like he was a stripper on a pole. Alcide is just annoying to me right now. Next!

-Andy finds his fay-4 on the floor of Billith’s place which you’d think he’d be devastated about…..only, he wasn’t. Yeah, he was sad but he wasn’t sad enough. I guess that’s the reaction of a father with four nameless teenage daughters that you’ve acquired last season. Whatevs. He ends up seeing that one of them is still breathing and promptly gets her home to nurse her back to health. The saved fairy tells her daddy that Jessica is the one that did this to them and he starts plotting his revenge but shows massive amounts of restraint after Holly gives him advice.