Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - S1E3 - Kimmy Goes on a Date!
Previously on UKS, Kimmy Gets a Job!
I keep getting asked about this show and what it is. My response is always, “If you like 30 Rock, you’ll like it. If you don’t like 30 Rock, you won’t like it.” And if you’ve never watched 30 Rock then you need to get out of my house and go find Jesus.
Kimmy sleepwalks during a nightmare and chokes Titus in her sleep. His neck is greasy cause he fell asleep eating a Hot Pocket. He thinks she needs to talk to someone to get over her issues because he’s afraid she might “take a lover” and murder him in his sleep and he’ll get blamed. She’s not ready for that yet, but he needs her to stop keeping him up at night. He needs his beauty sleep for his new head shots in which he holds a microphone to show he can hold things. He has the money for it, which he has to hide the from Lillian because any time he has extra money, she wants it for something. Like to fix the hole in her floor from when he fell asleep in her bathtub. But how was he supposed to turn the water off? He was sleeping.
Buckley is doing a family tree report for school, so Charles asks Jacqueline for information about her side, the White family. She says there’s nothing to tell about her side and it doesn’t matter where she’s from. Jacqueline flashes back to her younger years in South Dakota. It turns out she’s Native American, but has rejected her roots by getting blue contacts, dying her hair blonde, and talking like white people. She leaves her home for Manhattan, saying “Later days, buuuddy.” to her parents. Later on, her parents come to visit to try and get her to come back home for a festival. They are disappointed she has rejected everything they have taught her and that she won’t come back home. They say goodbye forever.
Lillian catches Titus sneaking out dressed in a suit to go for his head shots. She insists if he’s dressed so nice, he must have money. He says no, he’s still broke, he’s just going to a funeral. She’s so sad for him she decides to go to the funeral with him. At the funeral she notices the microphone in his pocket and he makes up a lie that he was asked to sing at this funeral. She suggests he sing one of those sad Boyz to Men songs because it reminds her of all the homies she’s lost. He randomly stands up and starts singing. All three of us realize at once he’s singing the wrong Boyz to Men song. It’s I’ll Make Love To you instead.
Kimmy gets her first cell phone from Jacqueline after lying that a monkey stole hers at the zoo. She asks the question I’ve been wondering ever since I’ve owned an iPhone: Where is Cupertino?
She tries to talk to Siri about how she’s a mole women, but Siri just says “that’s messed up”. Since even the phone is judging her, Kimmy tells Jacqueline how she wants someone to talk to so she sets her up with her friend Grant, who turns out to be an old man who thinks he’s still in World War II.
Kimmy takes advantage of the fact he doesn’t know what’s going on to talk about her problems. He responds to everything she says with something completely unrelated. Kimmy is enjoying it until she realizes she’s only talking AT him, not with him. A fight breaks out between them when he calls her a French prostitute. He chases her down the street with a fork shouting out the batting order of the 1938 Yankees. He tosses a “grenade” at Kimmy. They run into Jacqueline on the street who tries to hurry him down the street back to his home by speaking in German, which only gets him more riled up. She tells him the president has a tiny penis. He retorts with “That’s a lie! It’s so big he’s in a wheelchair!”
When they get back home, Xan tries to accuse Kimmy of lying about her past. Jacqueline tells her it doesn’t matter. People’s lives get complicated and she has no place to judge Kimmy.
Lillian confesses to Titus that she saw him with all his money through the hole in her floor which is located right above his bed. He tells her it doesn’t matter anymore because he’s missed the head shot appointment anyway. He gives her the money, but she feels bad and gives it back. He says, “Why? Are you dying? I knew it! You look horrible” I died laughing. But then someone runs by and steals the money out of his hand.
This show is only getting better. And I know last week I said the theme song had to go. I was wrong. It is all the things. I need a ring tone.
Best lines:
Titus – This isn’t the Chinatown bus! You can’t just choke someone who’s sleeping!
Grant – I swore I’d take that secret to my grave and I did!
Kimmy - Yeah, Xan. The monkey was a woman. Women can be anything these days.
