ProFiled: Harry Potter Books

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I get my life from all things Harry Potter. It took me all of 30 seconds to rank these books in order. A much easier task than the movies.

5. Sorceror’s Stone/Chamber of Secrets/Prisoner of Azkaban

I’m ranking these three books all in one spot. They’re all equally boring and they’re all equally a children’s book. I mean, this literally began as a children’s story and it reads like one. I can’t stand reading a third book in a series and the author is writing things like “because you see, Harry Potter was a wizard and he could do magic.” No. “Hogwarts is a school for magic!” No, no, no. As a reader you should already know this. I don’t care how old you are. If you haven’t read the first book in a series then you have no business reading the second or third book. And if you’re reading it anyway, then you deserve to wonder why that boy has a lightening bolt on his forehead. You deserve all the confusion you can get!

4. Half-Blood Prince

I mean, yeah it was a surprise to me that Snape was the Half-Blood Prince. But so what if he was? What does that mean? It doesn’t mean anything! The fact he was friends with Lily means something, but the fact he went by that nickname and was a potions expert means nothing. Of course he was good at potions; he’s the potions master! I can’t even with this book.

3.Goblet of Fire

Good book. But as I said with the movie, the fact that a bunch of kids – 17 or not – are contractually obligated to compete in a blood sport is ridiculous. And if it’s only for 17-year-olds, isn’t that their N.E.W.T year? Shouldn’t they maybe be concentrating on that? Or is that the year before? Either way, they’re in school. Their studies should be more important…. when the fuck did I get so old?

2. Order of the Phoenix

This was my favorite of the books until I read Deathly Hallows. It’s a dark and complex novel. Harry is now not only fighting basilisks and dementors, he’s battling with himself. He’s struggling with his emotions, his fear that he’ll become evil, and he’s even struggling with his personal relationships. I hate Cho Chang with fiery passions, but all the other characters are great. The scenes between Umbridge and McGonagall are my favorites. I’ve read this book more than any of the others in the series and I think I’m gonna go read it again right now. There’s nothing I don’t like about it.

Well, except, you know, Cho Chang. But we all have a Cho Chang in our lives, don’t we? A little Dumbledore’s Army is worth suffering through a little Cho Chang.

1. Deathly Hallows

This book. I pre-ordered this when it came out, and when it arrived, I started reading right away and didn’t stop until I finished at 4 am the next morning. Then I went back to the first page and started over. I’ve read it at least three more times since. At least. There might be some loose ends to it and some large clunky parts, but overall, it’s a great book. There’s victories, loss, and plenty of tears to be shed. Every time I read this one, I have a hard time putting it down, even though I’ve ready it so many times. I know it backwards and forwards. My absolute favorite part, out of all 7 books, is the part where Hermoine is explaining Kreacher’s actions to Harry and Ron after Kreacher admits what happened with the locket.

“Sirius was horrible to Kreacher, Harry, and it’s no good looking like that, you know it’s true. Kreacher had been alone for a long time when Sirius came to live here, and he was probably starving for a bit of affection. I’m sure ‘Miss Cissy’ and ‘Miss Bella’ were perfectly lovely to Kreacher when he turned up, so he did them a favor and told them everything they wanted to know. I’ve said all along that wizards would pay for how they treat house-elves. Well, Voldemort did… and so did Sirius.”

I’m tearing up just quoting it. I got to read this again. If you’ve never read this series because you’ve just crawled out from under a rock, and you like fantasy even just a little bit, I recommend you do.