The Walking Dead - S5E16 - Conquer

Previously on The Walking Dead, ‘Try’

This was a great finale if you just shut your brain off. I’ll be highlighting (in red) all the shit that didn’t make sense, but only happened either to make the viewer think something bad was about to happen, or set up a completely ridiculous scenario. I will address those things in full on the podcast. (All photos and GIFs courtesy of The Walking Dead on AMC)

Rise and Shine, Asshole

Morgan is back! He awakens in the backseat of a wrecked car and then sits by a fire to enjoy his hot cocoa. But some greasy-haired bastard shows up with a gun and a W on his forehead. He tells a story of the first settlers convincing the natives to hunt wolves. And now, here we are. “Everything returns,” Morgan says, way too calm for someone with a gun pointed at him. This is how W boy should have known Morgan wasn’t one to fuck with, but alas.

W boy says he’s going to kill Morgan and take his shit. His partner-in-crime tries to sneak attack Morgan from behind, but Morgan is quick. He takes them both out with a stick. Like, a broom handle. He’s like Cookie on Empire with that thing! Morgan tries to use the gun on an approaching walker, but it’s empty. That asshole.

Morgan deposits both guys - unconscious, but alive - into the backseat of the vehicle and then honks the horn. He leaves them to suffer the indignity of waking up like they were snuggling.

Welcome Wagon

While tracking a man in a red poncho, Daryl asks Aaron about the people who were exiled. A man named Davidson, (their strong, smart leader) and another man and woman. They didn’t work out so they had to be driven far away and left with just a day’s worth of food and water. Aaron can’t make that mistake again.

They eventually lose red poncho guy, but find a canned goods plant with food trucks in the parking lot. There aren’t a lot of walkers around, so Aaron suggests going in to search for food. If they find people and bring them back, they’ll need food. If they don’t find people, coming back with food means they didn’t go out for nothing.

After Aaron snatches an Alaska license plate for his collection, they open one of the trucks, which sets off several booby traps. The trucks are filled with walkers and Aaron and Daryl have to run. Of course, these walkers were quiet as church mice until the doors were opened. Insert eye roll here.

They end up in a car where they make the decision to darken the windows so the walkers can’t see them and will, hopefully, leave once they’re bored. But then they find a note inside which reads bad people are coming and they shouldn’t stay in the car.

Well, there goes that plan. I guess.

While trapped, Daryl says even being in this predicament feels more like him than being behind the walls at Alexandria. Aaron notes that seeing Daryl lead his group to shelter during the storm is what made him decide he had to bring them back. Daryl volunteers to run out and lead the walkers away, but after he finishes his cigarette. Nope. Aaron says they’ll do it together. They prepare to go on three, but when they get to two, Morgan!

Morgan to the rescue! They fight their way to the other side of the gate. Morgan helped them because every life is precious. Awww. Morgan on some Tyreese-type shit. Okay. Aaron offers to bring Morgan back with them, but Morgan declines. He’s got somewhere to be, but he’s lost. He hands Daryl the map and asks if they can help him find his way. I mean, you have a map, dude. Anyway, Daryl looks at the map, sees the message to Rick, and looks at Morgan like, “Oh, so you’re that other black guy!’

Also, for all of y’all who said Daryl can’t read: suck it!

Douche Hangover

Rick wakes up to find Michonne watching him. They’ve kept him in an unfinished house and he’s been out all night. She demands to know what he’s doing. He didn’t tell her about the gun because everything happened so quickly. Lies. Carol, Abraham, and Glenn arrive. Carol plays it off like Rick acted on his own getting the gun from the armory. Carol preps a story for Rick to tell at Deanna’s meeting later that night. Michonne questions the need for a lie and Carol says the Alexandrians are children and children like stories. Unless they are stories about being tied to a tree and left for walker bait. 

If shit jumps off, Rick assigns everyone someone to grab and they’ll threaten to slit throats if the Alexandria people don’t go along and give up the armory. Then he dismisses everyone so he can get his nap on.

I don’t like this Rick. Fuck this Rick.

Keeping the Peace

Maggie speaks with Deanna and Reg. She wants to know what to expect at the meeting. Deanna’s gonna do what she has to, which basically means she’s probably going to recommend exile for Rick. Maggie runs off and Reg follows. He tells her a story about cavemen and how civilization only exists when people stop running and sending others away and that’s what he plans to say tonight. A simple, “I got your back,” would have sufficed, Reg. Geez.

Sasha is out burying walkers and decides to lie down in the grave with them. She looks at peace.

Carol wakes Rick and returns his gun. She tells him it was good he was found out because it provides them more cover. She isn’t sure Glenn and Michonne are with them (even though Rick is), which is why she didn’t tell them about the other guns. Rick doesn’t want to lie anymore. Carol replies, “You say you want to take this place and you don’t want to lie anymore? Oh, Sunshine. You don’t get both.”

Into the Woods 

Glenn is thinking and sitting and sitting and thinking, and being watched by Dickless Nicholas. Maggie tells Glenn she’s going to talk to as many people as she can before the meeting. Apparently, talking to HER people about Gabriel isn’t on her itinerary. When she walks away, Glenn spots Nicholas climbing over the gate, so he follows.

Gabriel also goes beyond the gate, but refuses to take a weapon. He’s just going out for a short walk with God as his protection. Ugh.

Carol punks Pete so damn hard. She takes him a casserole and threatens him with a knife. He needs to get his shit together and care for Tara, that’s the only reason she’s not sticking her knife in his damn throat. Then she tells him he better return her dish clean. When she leaves, he starts mumbling about how this isn’t his house and he drops her dish on the floor. Carol will kill you for less, Pete.

Rick heads home and speaks with Carl, who tells him the people there need them. He’s hoping it won’t have to come to bloodshed for them to stay. Then Rick goes to check up on Jessie who is boarding up her window. She doesn’t think they should be seen speaking. He doesn’t regret what he did, and before he leaves, she tells him he was right. Pete watches from across the fucking street because that’s where they thought it best to place the man who beats her ass. 

Meanwhile, Glenn loses Nicholas in the woods, but Nicholas finds Glenn… and shoots him in the shoulder. When Nicholas goes to finish him off, Glenn is gone.

Gabriel offers himself up to a walker, but when he notices the person it was munching on has turned, he changes his mind and beheads it using the noose around its neck. Then he puts the other one out of its misery and cries in the street.

More Killing Time, Doing Stupid Shit 

Abraham arrives to visit with Tara, but when he sees Eugene sleeping in a chair by her bed, he tries to leave. Rosita convinces Abraham to stay since Eugene is sleeping, but then as soon as Abraham sits down, she knocks a tray on the floor on purpose because Rosita is awesome. Abraham is forced to speak to Eugene - apparently they’ve not yet spoken in all this fucking time. Apologies are delivered and I was bored.

Spencer lets Gabriel back in and since Gabe’s white shirt is still miraculously clean, Spencer has no idea that anything happened other than Gabriel taking a quick walk. He asks Gabriel if they can maybe talk later. He has some things he wants to get off his chest about Aiden. I bet he wants to confess to the Lord that his brother was a dickhole and he’s glad he’s gone. Then he asks if Gabriel would mind closing the gate because… why, exactly? Does he have pressing business? Where the fuck does he have to be that he couldn’t close and lock the gate? The very fucking gate he just had in his damn hands?

Glenn finds Nicholas and beats the shit out of him, but Nicholas gets some shots in and even digs his finger in Glenn’s bullet wound.

Then Nicholas leaves Glenn to fight off three walkers while lying flat on his back.

Glenn’s ass should be dead, but whatever. The only reason he’s alive is because that woman walker above is like, “Did I leave the oven on?” 

Michonne speaks to Rick before the meeting. She urges him to find a way to make this work. She doesn’t need her sword anymore; he can do it. She lets him keep the gun and heads to the meeting. Rick sits with Bob’s last words to him playing in his head. He looks out the window, sees the gate is open, and rushes out. He finds blood on the latch. After securing the gate, he follows the trail.

Meeting of the Dangerous Minds

Suddenly, it’s nighttime! 

Sasha is in the church when Gabriel arrives. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s losing her damn mind and she thinks she wants to die. Gabriel won’t help her and says of course she wants to die. She’s a terrible person. Her whole group is terrible. He truly sees himself as keeping the unworthy from having salvation. The two fight and struggle over her gun. She finally gets the drop on him and points her gun at his head.

Glenn isn’t dead, but he should be. He attacks Nicholas, who is still just wandering through the fucking woods, and beats the shit out of him, but doesn’t kill him. For reasons.

Rick finally catches up with the walkers who made it in and takes them out. He’s struggling with the final one and ends up putting his hand up through the walkers neck to grab and squish the brain. You know he got some of that in his mouth, right?

Deanna wants to get the meeting started, but Maggie asks if they can wait since Rick and Glenn aren’t there yet. It’s already dark, so Deanna wants to start now. Everyone has something to say:

Michonne:

Rick just wants you all to live. He saved my life. Rick Grimes is who you will all be.. if you’re lucky. (Gee, thanks. Michonne. Not helping here.) I mean, sure he’s gone a little fucking crazy, and has been crazy before, but… this time is different!

Carol: 

I’m just a helpless housewife with a pixie haircut. I don’t know my ass from elbow or a revolver from a semi-automatic, so people like me - I mean, like us! I’m one of you! - need people like Rick Grimes. Please don’t send him away. *smiles*

Abraham:

There’s a lot of fucked up shit out there and you people don’t know shit about it. Rick Grimes knows every corn-infused grain of that shit. Rick lives in that shit. Rick Grimes IS that shit. You people need Rick Grimes and his shit.

They’re all saying all this nice stuff about Rick, and he’s gonna show up at the town meeting looking like Carrie at prom. 

Maggie: 

Rick is a dad. Dads are awesome! My dad was awesome. Pete’s a dad… wait. Bad example. Anyway, we are family. You can be family, too!

Then Deanna does what Maggie should have fucking done TWO DAYS ago: She tells everyone the stuff Gabriel said about Rick’s group being ain’t shit. Jessie defends her new man by basically pointing out that Deanna is on some He Said/She Said shit. And while Gabriel isn’t there to speak for himself, neither is Rick. Maggie then excuses herself and you just know she’s like, “Let me go find his ass.”

She finds Sasha holding her gun on Gabriel with him begging to be killed. Maggie takes the gun away and helps Gabriel to his feet. He’s crying about how all those people died because of him. Maggie is like, “You right.” Then all three of them sit, hold hands, and pray. For reasons.

Rick arrives at the meeting with a walker over his shoulder and covered in blood. He drops it on the ground. Rick’s I Am Not Crazy entrance needs work. Spencer is sent to man the gate while Rick delivers an I Told You So speech. Walkers will find a way in. People will, too, and they will try to kill them. They need to be prepared and stronger.

While he speaks, Carl is playing with Judith, Tara wakes up and smiles at Rosita, Glenn helps Nicholas’ raggedy ass home.

“I was thinking, how many of you do I have to kill to save your lives. I’m not going to do that. You’re going to change. I’m not sorry for what I said. I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner. You’re not ready. But you’ll have to be. Luck runs out.”

Then Pete’s luck runs right the fuck out. He shows up with Michonne’s sword and is raving like a Rick Grimes. Carol whispers to Rick to shoot him. Reg steps in front of Pete and gets his throat slit for his efforts.

Everyone is shocked. Abraham wrestles Pete to the ground. Deanna cries as Reg bleeds out in her arms. Then she tells Rick to “do it.” And he, without hesitation, puts a pullet in Pete’s head. I hope Abraham got to move his hand first. 

Someone calls Rick’s name. He looks up to find Aaron, Daryl, and Morgan looking at him like, “What in the entire fuck is going on?”

Later that night, Michonne starts to hang the sword back above the fireplace, but changes her mind and straps it to her back instead.

The Wolves:

The two wolves from earlier show up at the food plant, looking to see what they’ve caught with their traps. They have red poncho guy with them and slit his throat at the gate. 

They use a remote control to lure the walkers back into their trucks. One wolf looks through Aaron’s pictures. Later, we see “Wolves Not Far” spray painted on a car.