True Blood - S6E3 - You’re No Good
Oh, True Blood. Why must you toy with my emotions? I consider myself to be a die-hard Truebie. Die. Hard. And I love the fact that sometimes I feel like you are just such a glorious shit-show that I just cannot live without you, but this week – deep sigh – let’s just say, thank god for Eric.
For real.
Previously on True Blood “The Sun”
“Does This Mean We’re not Fucking?!” - Ginger
This week’s episode opens with Eric still glamouring Willa in her bedroom while briefly getting all touchy feely with her no-no spot. Of course that makes Willa sing like a goddamn canary about some camp her daddy runs that does all kinds of shitty experiments on vamps. That’s all Eric needs to hear to make him kidnap her and take her to Fangtasia, but also to pump her for info about the “experiments” being done at vampire “camp.” Willa doesn’t know jack-shit though and much to Pam and Tara’s chagrin, Eric decides to keep her alive as a potential bargaining chip and tells Pam to pack her shit cause they’re all leaving and never coming back to Fangtasia again. Pam reluctantly fills a sad little box full of memories and her tears, and they all head over to Eric’s friend, Ginger’s house. Ginger thinks Eric is there for a vampire romp in the sack and gladly lets him and his vampourage in. Eric shuts that shit down though and takes Willa with him to sleep in his coffin so Pam doesn’t decapitate her.
While in the coffin with Eric, Willa takes the tape off her mouth and tells Eric she wants to “talk”. She spills a few secrets and Eric finds the one about her mother cheating on her governor-daddy with a vamp especially interesting. We learn Willa has a thing for vamps herself and tries to get her freak on with Eric in the coffin which he quickly halts by telling her to put her damn tape back on.
Ginger then comes knocking on the coffin saying she answered his phone like a dumbass and the governor would like to speak to Eric. Willa tries to warn Eric that her father will be tracking the call and Eric assures her that his phone is untraceable and Pam ushers her talkative ass into another room. He is, of course, wrong as a motherfucker and the governor keeps him on the phone with a sob story just long enough for his team to figure out where they are. Eric hears this and and tells Pam they need to leave right-the-shit NOW. Eric glamours Ginger to stall and they go to gather Tara and Willa, but find they already rolled out.
This is where Pam starts getting on my nerves.
“Uneasy Lies the Head That Wears the Crown” -Niall
I’m not sure what the shit that even means really, and I guess in the history of TV we should just be used to kings speaking in riddles, but when Niall says that shit to Sookie, you know that he is not fucking around.
When we meet up with Sookie, she’s in her room playing with her dolls fairy light trying to get it up to par for the fight against Warlow. Jason is STILL injuring himself. How? We don’t know, but I’d place actual money on it having something to do with that damn fairy light. Every single time Sookie or Niall throw that shit around, Jason gets fucked up. Let’s hope he has decent health insurance, y’all.
Warlow may, or may not have been fucking with Sookie this week. It was kind of hard to tell, honestly. Niall sensed him near but there was just so much extremely fast movement going on to tell if he really was or not. When Niall checks outside for Warlow he tells Sookie to stay inside but that plan gets thrown out the window when she runs outside to help “Vigilante Jason” after he, guns blazing, goes out to follow Niall and collapses.
Once they are all back inside safely, Niall says he’s sick of waiting around for Warlow to just show up and that he’s going out to find him. He warns Sookie that Warlow is the “proverbial shit hitting the fan” and she questions him as to why, out of all the fey, does Warlow have a hard-on for her. Niall’s reply is, because her “blood is royal.”
Obviously.
“I is In.” – Paula Deen Lafayette
Over at Sam’s place, he and Lafayette woke up to hear Nicole and her boyfriend Jesse. The Vampire Unity Society had moved them inside after the fight with Alcide and the wolves. Lafayette tried to warn them that they should erase whatever they’d heard about werewolves that night. Nobody listens to any good advice on this damn show anyway, so don’t expect that to happen. Sensing that Sam has a soft spot for Nicole to go along with the girly-soft voice he used with her, Lafayette told Sam that Nicole would be trouble for him. Sam said she’d have to get in line. Lafayette argued by repeating Nicole’s sentiment—“Everyone needs help”. And since Sam has always been good to Lafayette, Lafayette is in this whether Sam wants him to be or not.
“I don’t understand!” – Burning Billith
Bill explains to Jessica that when he told her all the vamps were gonna burn, he meant her ass, too. Jessica wants to help, Bill tells her to have a seat. Due to his newfound God complex, Bill thinks Lillith gave him the power to daywalk. Jessica pleads with Bill not to do it and because I already told you nobody listens on this fucking show, as the sun comes up Billith steps outside where he promptly bursts into flames. Jessica watches helplessly as Barbecued Bill staggers back in the house fully engulfed in flames. After she puts him out, he whines about how he “doesn’t understand.” No shit, Bill.
Still plagued by visions of vampires burning, Billith starts plotting to kidnap the inventor of True Blood, who, just so happens (eye-roll), to work at a university close by. Bill decides to let Jessica help and sends her off dressed like a slutty school girl to seduce him.
A non-burning Bill then carts himself off to Sookie’s house to ask her to give him her blood to synthesis and turn into Vampire-SPF 15,000. He asks her to invite him in; she tells him no but Billith gives no fucks and comes in anyway. Sookie refuses to give him any of her sweet fey blood, and Bill dramatically tells her she’s “dead to him.” Sookie returns all of the zero fucks given by replying that she’s “good with that.”
Bill leaves, but luckily for him, a solution presents itself on the way home in the form of Andy, who charmingly calls him “Vampire Bill” and urges him to obey the new curfew. Andy tells him about his recent acquisition of, now pre-teen, halfling daughters. Being that they are of fairy descent, Billith starts plotting right away, smirks and casually strolls off.
Billith is turning into a real dick, right? Right.
Just a Bite
This week’s half-ass storylines included Alcide facing more trouble as the police show up looking for Emma but meanie-wolf, Rikki scares the shit out of her and she shifts and the police keep it moving. Later, Nicole’s team pays them a visit and shit hits the fan as Rikki shifts and the rest of the wolf pack follows suit killing everyone but Nicole who gimps away after getting bit by Rikki. It is revealed that Rikki is a complete fucking bitch and we all can’t wait for her to die now. While all the commotion is going on, Sam, who has shifted into an owl, shifts back to himself just in enough time to get Emma the hell out of that dysfunctional family.
Steve Newlin is back, but is unfortunately kidnapped and wakes up in the vampire camp, tortured first by a doctor, and then by his beauty pageant-esque ex-wife, who has decided to throw her perfectly manicured hand in the political ring to help wipe out all the vamps.
Nora shows up all randomly to Sookie’s house also looking for the elusive Warlow. We have no clue why yet. Niall runs into Ben, who has just been wandering the back fields of Bon Temps looking for the fairy safe house since last week’s episode. He realizes Niall is king and vows to help him fight Warlow because Sookie showed him kindness. Sookie is unimpressed with this shit, mostly because Ben seems to be able to feel her from the inside much more deeply than any other fey. This just sounds super gross to me, but whatevs, it’s how True Blood rolls.
